


Skinny Love

by Imaginesfordayss



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Knights of Ren - Freeform, Not Totally Canon, Slow Burn, Starkiller Base, There's smut, incase it's not obvious the POV is all over the place, no mention of rey or luke probs, smut later, who knows where this will go tbh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2018-11-16 19:58:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 31,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11259900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imaginesfordayss/pseuds/Imaginesfordayss
Summary: You're a medic on starkiller base and get the unfortunate task of treating Kylo Ren who is as curious about you as you seem to be about him. (this is the worst summary but like slow burn fam)





	1. Ren makes a first impression

You’re not sure what the big deal was, all the whispers, the fearful glances, the scurried steps. You weren’t particularly scared of Kylo Ren the way everyone else on base seemed to be, maybe because you’d grown up learning to resent men like him, who used their powers unjustly to get whatever they wanted. You’d never feared men like him and you didn’t plan on changing that. 

But to be fair, it’s not like you’d met him either. You’d heard the stories, and working in the medical unit of the starkiller base, you’d seen the damage his tantrums caused. It was kind of like being little when your parents told you stories about the boogeyman, they were just that, stories. The difference here being that Kylo Ren was more than a story and you’d never really been able to picture him, as a man or whatever he was. He always just felt like a scary story.

It was funny to you, the way they all talked about him like it was run of the mill gossip, the nurses giggled about him the same way they would over a scandalous affair and then shook in their scrubs the second they heard his booming voice and stomping feet making its way down the corridor. You mostly kept to yourself trying to remain unnoticed, it was easier that way, to stay under the radar. And while working a menial job for the first order wasn’t your childhood dream, it kept you fed, and for now, alive. 

And then came the day you met the infamous man, well technically. You were fairly out of the loop when it came to the knowledge of what the first order was up to or what planet they were currently terrorizing, in fact had it not been for the constant gossip you’d likely forget you worked on the starkiller altogether. Today, however, there was chaos everywhere. It seemed as if troops were being wheeled into the infirmary by the dozen and despite every nurse and doctor having shown up for their shift today, you were dangerously understaffed. Lost in thought stitching up stormtroopers as quickly as you could, you almost missed your name being called angrily by a nasally voice. You looked up, eyes widening at the sight of General Hux, behind him a group of stormtroopers carrying the unconscious body of Kylo Ren himself. You scurried over to the group, nearly tripping over your own feet, looking at the General expectantly for orders. 

“The commander is injured, I assume you’ll see to it that he gets the best care possible, I’m putting you in charge of his well-being.” And within less that two sentences, your world managed to be turned completely upside down. You nodded to him blankly your face growing sickly pale, leading the troops to an empty cot away from the other injured soldiers, more so for their safety than anything else, incase the man himself decided to throw a fit upon waking up. 

For a moment, all you could do was stare at the unconscious man, at least you assumed he was unconscious you couldn’t actually tell with that ridiculous mask over his face. You realized then that you’d have to take it if you were to examine him, becoming even more anxious than you’d been a second ago. No one had ever actually seen the commander’s face, there were many stories as to why. Some thought his face must have been injured in battle, making it grotesque and disfigured, others figured it was just an intimidation tactic. Either way, you felt immensely curious as to what you’d find underneath. You pulled the curtains around his cot so he’d be out of view from others. Slowly and reluctantly you inched closer to him, reaching out your hands to unclasp the helmet from his head.


	2. Kylo Ren is a punk bitch

As soon as your hands met with the cool metal of his mask, a leather clad hand shot up painfully gripping your wrist, you could only imagine the finger shaped bruising you’d have tomorrow. You gasped, staring down at the faceless man who had apparently awoken. He didn’t say anything, but simply held you there, after a moment or two he pushed your hand away, slumping back down onto the cot. 

“I need to check your wounds is that okay?” The mask turned to you wordlessly yet again, one hand pointed down to his abdomen. Fine, you’d take care of that first and hope that he didn’t bleed out from any head injuries simply because he was too stubborn to let you see him. You were already aggravated, knowing that if his stubbornness killed him, it’d be your ass on the line.

Nevertheless, you assessed the damage at his side, most likely caused from a blaster. It wasn’t too bad but he’d certainly lost a lot of blood on his way over to the medbay. You cleaned his wounds carefully, noting that he didn’t wince or move in any way as you did so and you hadn’t even given him an anesthetic. Your curiosity about the mysterious man rose even further, i mean, who could sit there and not move an inch while their skin was being sewn back together. He could feel all of it, you knew he could, was he really just resistant to pain? And if so, what made him this way? Was he human at all? 

You tried to keep your thoughts as clear as possible, knowing that the mysterious man himself could reach into your mind and know exactly what you’re thinking. By the time you’d finished up on Ren the best you could, the medbay had mostly cleared out for the night and you were left to filling out paperwork on your data pad. 

Every now and again you’d check on the commander, administer some antibiotics and release any remaining patients that didn’t need overnight care. At around 23:00, you were about to call it a night and ask one of the nurses to take over for you when you heard rustling from Ren’s cot. You walked over slowly so as not to startle him and pulled open the curtain, to find Ren carelessly ripping out all of the needles and tubes you’d meticulously attached around his heavy clothing since he outright refused to take them off. 

“Uhm, commander, you can’t do that.” He halted, staring at you, your breath caught in your throat, thankfully not by the force but by your own fear. He shook his head, continuing with the process of unhooking himself from all the machines tasked with helping him and stood up towering over you. 

“Your assistance is no longer required.” With that, he stepped around you, nearly pushing you to the floor had you not jumped out of his way. Ren loudly stomped out of the medbay, a trickle of blood, probably from ripped stitches, following him out. 

You sighed, knowing that you couldn’t physically hold him there even if you’d tried. That idiot was going to kill himself and make it look like your fault. You reached out towards your data pad, sending General Hux an update on the commander’s condition and also to tell him that he’d stormed out of the medical wing against medical advice. You figured if Ren did end up passing out in a corridor somewhere, at least, the General would know it was his own fault. 

The next day passed without any sign of him and you weren’t exactly sure if you should take that as a good sign. You did know however, that he’d need to change his bandages eventually so it probably wouldn’t be long until you saw him hobbling back here. You went about your day as usual, stopping to get food and chat with some of the other nurses. Most of them just wanted to know what it’d been like to treat Ren and whether you’d seen his face. 

“He was, frustrating. The big baby wouldn’t even let me take off his mask to check for injuries. And then he just walked out of here in the middle of the night!” You exclaimed to the others, all of them looking particularly mortified. “What? We all know he’s ridiculous, not to mention downright childish.” The others remained silent, not even staring directly at you anymore. That’s when you felt it, a sharp pain at your temple, making you drop your data pad onto the table and bite your tongue to keep from screaming. The pain was gone in a matter of seconds but you already knew the cause of it. You turned around slowly, an abundance of black cloth entering your line of sight. He was holding an arm to his side, his leather glove dripping in crimson liquid. You wanted to reprimand him, to yell at him for being an idiot and ripping your stitching but then again, you valued your life and if he’d heard any of what you’d just said, he totally did, then he was probably pissed off already. 

You simply stepped forward walking past him to grab a suture kit and nodded your head for him to come sit down. He did so, wordlessly yet again, moving his black robes out of the way and unbuttoning his undershirt which was practically drenched in blood. The first time you’d treated him, his clothes had been torn from the blaster so there was no need to undress him but seeing him now, his entire chest in view, you were, well a bit taken aback. He was fit, like unbelievably so and you wouldn’t expect it what with him looking so slim in those black robes. You could see each individual muscle contract on his abdomen and chest, having to look down at your hands to keep yourself from gawking. You swore you heard him chuckle under the mask at your bewilderment. 

You wanted to glare at him for being amused you really really did but either the fear of death or embarrassment got in the way of you doing so. You paused for a moment to calm your shaking hands and began re-suturing his wound trying to clear your mind of how god damn good his body looked under your hands. When you finished, you simply gathered up the old bandages, got up and threw them away without looking back at him. By the time you turned back around, he’d already left and the remaining nurses openly gaped at you like you’d grown another head. 

“What?” You yelled, frustrated. “There are patients to tend to, get to work.” Though in the back of your mind, you replayed the situation as well. You, a nobody, an expendable medic had just been caught talking shit about the commander, to the man himself and he hadn’t cut you in half or force choked the life out of you; which for him, was extremely unusual. You’d heard about him doing worse to stormtroopers for even thinking negatively about him. 

You told yourself it was because you’d technically saved his life earlier, or at the very least kept him from bleeding out. But still, you spent the next three days wondering why he’d spared you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its very hard to write emotions for someone who has a mask on all the time fml.


	3. Ren's a mysterious creature

On your third Kylo Ren-free day, you happily noticed that the bruise on your wrist had all but healed and that everyone in the medbay was no longer avoiding you like the plague. You had all but forgotten about your interactions with the commander, getting back to work on easier tasks. You chatted easily with the nurses, catching up on all of the happenings and scandals of the starkiller base. Honestly, it was like watching a reality tv show. Apparently, Damar from engineering had slept with Cora, a technician who had just transferred from the finalizer, and her boyfriend Aren from the stormtrooper program was pissed. These were the stories you’d hear day in and day out, trying to remember who slept with who and why any of it mattered. The stories themselves were mostly boring since you didn’t actually know any of the people involved but it was always quite amusing to you that most of them came from stormtroopers. You figured with how stoic and brainwashed they seemed to be, they wouldn’t be so into gossip, then again there wasn’t much else to do around here.

You were enjoying your lunch break when your datapad beeped on your desk, indicating an incoming message. Reluctantly, you picked it up, immediately getting worried when you read General Hux’s name across the screen,

'Ms. Y/L/N, your medical expertise is requested at Commander Ren’s personal quarters, attached is a list of medical equipment you should take with you.'  
\- General Hux

For a second, you were sure your brain had shorted out or you were having a stroke because you could not move from your spot. They wanted you to go to Ren’s room? By yourself? Immediately after surprise, came the anger. That bastard was so lazy he couldn’t walk the ten minutes it took to get medical help? He could make the stormtroopers carry him if it was so goddamn difficult. And why you? It was clear he didn’t particularly enjoy your presence or the things you had to say about him. Maybe it was some cruel joke, he’d bring you there under the guise of medical assistance and then run a lightsaber through your heart the second you stepped through the door. 

Either way, it was an order from General Hux and you couldn’t say no, so you gathered your medical bag and started packing in the items on the list. Though you were seething the entire way down to his private quarters, you also had time to think. Why you? And what would you find once you got there? You wondered if he’d take the helmet off, I mean did he wear all the time, even in his own room? Thoughts came buzzing through your head all the way to Ren’s room, you hardly even noticed when you got there. 

Were you supposed to knock? Did he know you were coming? 

You stood at his closed door contemplating for over two minutes when the door suddenly hissed open making you instinctively jump back, scraping your back against the other side of the corridor. Great, you hadn’t even entered the room and were already injured. You groaned quietly, pulling yourself off the wall and walking into the eerily dark room. You hadn’t spotted him yet so you took the time to admire your surroundings while you could, noting the minimalistic look of his quarters. You weren’t particularly surprised, it’s not like your quarters were any more personal than his, except for the few pictures of your family from back home. 

Of course, with everything else about him, the furniture and fixtures were mostly black or muted grays. Yet, somehow you’re still surprised there is nothing in his room that reveals who he is underneath the mask, not even a hint. Should you be disappointed by that? You’re so caught up in your thoughts you don’t notice his figure approach behind you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter but they'll vary in length depending on where the plot goes.


	4. Ren is a gigantic asshole

“You were not asked here to look around and be useless.” The distorted voice through the mask growled. Startled, you turned quickly, stepping back at his proximity. How had you not noticed him there? You looked him over, not seeing any obvious signs of injury, but Hux wouldn’t have sent you down here for no reason.

“Where, uhm, where would you like me, sir?” You whispered to his towering frame. He moved back, pointing to the gray couch behind him. He walked over to it, placing his outer robes on the table, then removing his gloves and unbuttoning the top of his shirt. You looked away trying not to get caught up in the sight of his chest as you had last time. 

But as soon as you thought it, that’s all you could focus on. His skin had looked so soft, dotted with freckles and faded scars. Some part of you, the part you’d like to keep hidden, wondered what it’d be like to kiss his skin with your lips, what it’d be like to taste him. Before you could quiet these thoughts yourself, Ren grabbed your arm pulling you harshly towards him, nearly bending it until it snapped. 

“For makers sake, shut up! You’re here to be a medic not a whore.” You stared at his mask perplexed, you were absolutely sure you hadn’t said any of that outloud. Unless you were going insane or….or he’d read your mind. You cheeks reddened in embarrassment, of course he’d read your thoughts. How could you be so idiotic? You pulled your arm out of his grasp angrily nearly tripping backwards by the force of it. But you’d already made enough of a fool of yourself, so instead you set down your medical kit waiting for him to open his shirt, rubbing your sore wrist, knowing that you’d now have a bruise matching the one on your other arm that was just fading. 

The stitches had done well and the only scarring would come from his reckless ripping of the ones you’d given him before. The area looked a tad infected so you made sure to lather it in ointment and leave him some antibiotics before you left, you doubted he’d take them though. Everything he seemed to do went against you trying to help him. You sighed silently, frustrated at his behavior. Frustrated because you may or may not be attracted to this infuriating man and you didn’t even know what he looked like. Frustrated that he was being so rude when you just wanted to fucking help him. 

The atmosphere was silent, and very very awkward. And that made it difficult to keep your thoughts quiet. I mean, it wasn't your fault he could read them, he could just mind his own business and stay the hell out. 

“You’re projecting.” He muttered. You stopped your work, staring up at the mask in confusion. “I can hear you because your thoughts are loud and you’re not trying to hide them.” You just nodded your head, despite not knowing what the hell he was talking about. “I could..I could teach you how to hide them.” At that, you completely removed your hands from him, gaping at the man like he’d just suggested throwing you into open space for fun or something. 

“I, excuse me, what?” Now he was the one that seemed nervous. He shifted around the seat, turning his head away to look at something across the room. It wasn't an offer he'd generally make, or ever really but something about you intrigued him. He wanted to know more.

“If the resistance were to get ahold of you, their force sensitives could easily read your mind.” 

“It’s not like they’d find anything, the most I could tell them is about the scandalous affairs between the nurses and engineers. I’m not sure that’s what the resistance is looking for.” You chuckled at the thought. He was silent after that, letting you continue your work. You did the best you could but the way he’d grabbed your arm earlier left your wrist throbbing causing it to shake when you applied too much force. He noticed your painful wince after the third time. Though feeling guilty for injuring you, again, he ignored the part of his brain that told him he should apologize. He was a commander, he couldn't show weakness, of any kind.

“You should, get that checked out.” He motioned to your hand, the purple hue already appearing on your pale skin. For a split second, you thought he might be concerned and then, “Others might not appreciate your shaky work.” You kept your mouth, and mind shut, not wanting to tempt fate by losing your temper at him. The second you were done, you hastily grabbed your things, shoving them into your bag despite the pain of doing so. You just wanted to distance yourself as much as possible from him. 

“Anything else, Commander?” You seethed putting on the best smile you could. 

“You’re dismissed.” You were nearly running out before he finished speaking. It wasn’t until you got to the medbay that you finally got to unload all of your pent up thoughts.

God the fucking nerve of that guy. You didn’t care if he was the commander, he took every chance he could to prod you further. Insulting your medical skills, insulting you, insulting your own private thoughts. Part of you wished you’d let the asshole bleed out when you had the chance. 

Despite that and the ever-growing distaste you had for him, when you went to bed that night you dreamed of him. Of what may possibly lay under that helmet.


	5. Ren is a mind reader, duh.

It seemed you’d finally been able to shake Ren off and be done with him, Kary, a sweet nurse in the wing had been reassigned to finish up with the commander. You were both thankful and slightly fearful for her. Every time she returned from his personal quarters she’d be in tears, barely able to tell the others what had happened. 

Though, being rid of him physically was much easier than being rid of him mentally. He seemed to live in your subconscious at this point, popping up at the strangest of moments, most memorably in your dreams. 

You’d decided that yes, there was something attractive about him, besides the god like structure of his toned chest. It was the mystery, that’s what you told yourself. He was just some mysterious guy and all those secrets made him hot, simple as that. 

So the mornings when you woke up gasping for air after another one of your ‘dreams’ and you’d notice the wetness between your thighs, you just pretended that it was natural and you’d forget about it eventually and that you’d probably never even have to come in contact with him again. At least, that’s what you told yourself. 

You did try to rationalize it, you’d met him all of three times so any feelings you had for the guy had to come from the lack of physical affection you’d had since working for the first order. It’s not like you could hook up with some random stormtrooper when you had the need, a lot of the nurses did but you weren’t the type of girl who could just pull someone into a supply closet for a quicky. You were shy and if you were going to have sex, it’d have to be intimate, with someone you cared about. Neither Ren nor the stormtroopers were any of that, so you just, abstained. 

At night, it was easy, you could go back to your quarters and imagine anything you wanted while getting yourself off and if that was Kylo Ren, well he’d be none the wiser to your little fantasies. 

It was your luck, or lack thereof that brought Ren back in your vicinity. You’d been late for your shift this morning for reasons you wouldn’t publicly give so as you were practically sprinting through the monotonous gray halls of the base, Commander Ren happened to be standing around the corner you’d just come racing around. And if you weren’t mortified enough, your own two feet betrayed you, unwilling to stop moving until you were practically in the man’s arms. 

Thankfully, no one else was in the corridor with him to witness your humiliation. Ren’s arm had flown out to catch you and was now sitting uncomfortably on your lower back, practically burning a hole through your shirt; you’re sure he probably wished it was. 

“Are you so desperate to see me that you’ll jump into my arms at any given chance, doctor?” Even through the distortion, you could tell he was making fun of you, which you didn’t exactly appreciate but it wasn’t the worst reaction you could’ve gotten from him. Right then, you noticed your arms resting on his chest, feeling the softness of his robes and the steady beat of his heart underneath them; I guess he does have one after all. “If you’re done making a fool of yourself, I have places to be.” He continued.  
You stepped away from him, immediately missing the heat that radiated from his touch, quickly dismissing that thought, you turned to walk past him before a gloved hand grabbed your arm. “Reconsider your night time activities, being late is unacceptable. If this happens again, I’ll have you reassigned.” You just nodded, brushing past him continuing to run after you passed the next corner. He turned to watch you swing around the corner disappearing from his sight, unconsciously smiling underneath his mask.

After finally making it to the medbay, which was completely empty anyway, you sat down at your desk taking a deep breath and thought about your encounter with the big bad baby in a mask. You remembered the feeling of leather on your skin and the warmth that surrounded you when he’d caught you. You let yourself fantasize for a bit before nearly toppling out of your chair. 

Kylo Ren had said night-time activities, and there was only one very specific night-time activity that you entertained yourself with. He knew, oh maker that bastard knew. 

“You okay? You look like you’ve seen a force ghost.” Someone said beside you. You turned, not recognizing the face. “Oh sorry, I’m Dolara, I just got transferred from the finalizer. They told me to report here for instructions.” You snapped back into work mode, immediately going over protocols and pointing out where everything was. She seemed nice, not too stuck up or invested in everyone else’s lives like most of the other nurses. She had long flowing brown hair and a beautiful dark complexion that contrasted well with her green eyes. You enjoyed listening to her talk, letting your mind forget about Ren for a while.

She told you about her emigration from Naboo and her distaste for the Gungans that led her to travel somewhere off world and discovering her passion for medicine and eventually recruitment into the first order. She was quite a bit more devoted to their ideologies, but you didn’t mind. After tending to few patients and talking with Dolara for a couple of hours, you finally realized that your replacement for the overnight shift was here to relieve you. Out of spite and mostly pure horror that he knew exactly what you were doing at night, you went to sleep immediately after your shift that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mood: knowing damn well you have an interview in ten hours but you'd rather write than sleep.


	6. Ren is a human disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so first of all, thank you to Hope who lowkey, but also highkey gave me an idea for the next two chapters because I suck at mid-story plot points even though I have an overall picture for where I want this to go. anyway love y'all (:

The next day, Dolara asks you if you’ve ever met Kylo Ren and you almost spit your lunch onto her shirt. As if on cue, he walks in at that moment walking straight towards your desk completely menacing and, and he’s limping. You absentmindedly notice the trail of blood behind him on the floor and you’re about to be angry that you’ll have to clean it up but you’re almost sure Kylo Ren is about to pass out onto your desk by the way he’s swaying back and forth in front of you. You push past Dolara wordlessly to run towards him, as soon as you’re close enough his hand is gripping your shoulder and in the same moment he topples into your hands, the weight of him nearly pulling you both to the floor. 

You want to be shocked but your first concern is getting him onto a cot. Your shrill voice yells out orders as nurses scurry around you not questioning what just happened, none of them even saying a word as they help you get him onto something sturdier than your body. It’s like you're on autopilot, moving through the motions, grabbing things before your mind has even caught up. But once it does, one emotion passes through you, you’re worried. You’re worried because you look down and there is so much blood on your hands and on the floor and you’re not even sure where to start sewing him up. 

As soon as he’s laying down you start searching for the source of the bleeding, easily finding the deep stab wounds on his left leg, cutting through the torn clothing to get a better look at the damage. Dolara moves around you, handing you needles and threads and bandages before she begins administering a pain killer. She moves to unclasp his mask and without even thinking, you slap her hand away. She pauses, looking at you, shock written all over her face. “Just don’t.” You reply sternly, not looking her in the eye. She leaves you to your work, pulling the curtain around you and Ren. You’re not even sure how much time passes but you finally stop the bleeding before making sure to replace what he’s lost.

After the final stitch, you lean back in your chair, breathing deeply. Your eyes are tired, the blood on your hands is long past dried and starting to peel off, you smell like antiseptic and death. You’re more than ready for a long night’s sleep in your warm bed but you don’t want to leave. So instead, you sit there at his bed side, watching the steady rise and fall of his chest. At some point, you send word to Hux that Commander Ren is okay, which you’re sure he’s probably fuming about. The whole base is aware that the two of them want nothing more than to watch the other be lethally impaled. You’re a little satisfied to know you’ve prevented Hux from seeing his little fantasy fulfilled twice now. 

When Ren first begins to stir, you hear him groan under the mask, beginning to try to sit up from the cot. You reach a hand out to stop him, “you’re hurt. Just stay, okay? You almost bled out.” You reply drowsily. 

Ren looks at you through the mask, noting the dark eye circles, the dried blood all over your hands and clothes, and the messily tied hair. You’ve been here all night, making sure he’s okay. Somewhere inside of him, he feels...grateful. He’s certain no one else on this base, maybe even the galaxy would watch over him the way you have just now, the thought makes him feel uncomfortably warm. 

His next move is hesitant and he’s not even sure why he does it but he reaches his gloved hand towards you picking up a stray piece of hair that'd fallen from your bun and placing it behind your ear delicately, “Thank you.” He says in a whisper. You’re almost sure you imagined it, maybe it’s the sleep deprivation, but it’s there, those two words. 

You’re not entirely certain what this means but you know that he can’t hate you anymore, not after you saved his life, again. And if he doesn’t hate you, well that opens up a lot of options that you’re not willing to think about quite yet. You don't even have the energy to think about why that small gesture made your cheeks heat up. So instead, you stand up, give him another round of morphine and then return to your chair and continue napping awkwardly while he watches you through the mask before drifting off into dreamless sleep. 

The next morning is more of the same, Commander Ren eventually irritates you enough that you discharge him, subtly helping him to his room so that people don’t see him limping through the halls and bruise his fragile ego. He doesn’t find that thought as funny as you seem too. After dropping off the commander like a child at daycare you drag yourself over to the mess hall to grab something to eat since spending the night in the medbay meant you hadn’t been able to make anything of your own. 

As soon as you sit down, the wolves descend upon you. Every direction you look, some stormtrooper or engineer or nurse is asking you questions about what happened and if that’s really Kylo Ren’s blood or if you had to amputate his leg like everyone thought. Mostly, you just stare down at the bland oatmeal in your bowl until Dolara pushes her way past the crowd and mentions that General Hux is passing by. That seems to make everyone come to their senses and soon you’re left with her, Kary the nurse and a surprisingly interesting technician from the command shuttle, named Ben.


	7. Ren is....jealous?

Ren trudged down the hall irritated as Hux followed behind him complaining in his nasally tone about whatever new problem prevented the weapon from being operational. He mostly tuned the ginger’s voice out when he could. Honestly, he wished he could ram his lightsaber right through the man’s abdomen to get him to just shut up but Supreme leader Snoke wouldn’t approve so he took his anger out on other, less animate objects mainly any control center that Ren knew Hux would have to repair himself. There was at least some sort of pleasure in knowing Ren could prevent Hux from doing his job and the general could do absolutely nothing about it.

They sat down in the cold meeting room, Phasma giving them the rundown of recent reports regarding the resistance and their efforts to bring down the first order. Ren had already read all of this in his quarters so he tuned out their droning voices, focusing on all the other noises in his head.

One voice in particular stuck out to him, the medic. Her thoughts were generally pretty loud no matter how far he got from her usually ranging from her distaste at his behavior, which he found particularly amusing, to whatever else was pissing her off that day. Today, however, the tone had shifted. She was thinking about some technician she’d met, Ren knew the face in passing whenever he left the base on his shuttle. And while the commander didn’t generally partake in gossip, he knew the technician to be somewhat of, a man-whore. To put it bluntly. 

She was thinking about him, how dreamy he was, how hilarious he’d been and then one particular thought caught him by surprise, ‘At least Ben’s sweet unlike Ren who’d take any chance to humiliate me because that’s what that bastard thrives off of’. A dozen strange emotions passed over him, anger, frustration, and most of all, one specific thing he had never really felt. A dark feeling of possessiveness towards her, as if he’d rather be hearing her think these thoughts about him than the technician. How he’d rather hear her spewing her hatred about other men and saying kind things about him. 

I guess there was a sense of irony in the fact that the technician held his true name, but he dismissed that thought and pushed all the others aside focusing back on Phasma and the general willing the unfamiliar emotions to go away until he could deal with them in private. 

-

Ben was unlike anyone else you’d met on the starkiller base. For one, he was always smiling about something, always happy to just be there. He radiated positivity and you enjoyed being around him. After that day at the mess hall, Dolara had invited him to have lunch with the two of you in the medbay, it was less crowded and thankfully quiet. 

The three of you sat around your desk, laughing and enjoying each other’s company and for the first time in a long time it felt like you actually belonged somewhere. Like being on the base, working for the first order wasn’t so bad after all, because you had people. You found your gaze drifting to Ben often, getting lost in the hue of his light eyes wanting to trace your fingers over his full lips and run your hands through his blonde hair. 

You thought about asking him to dinner or something, at least asking him to your room to watch a movie from the archives. Dolara had already told you that she wasn’t interested in him, there was nothing stopping you from being with Ben, maybe even being happy with him. You tried not to get too ahead of yourself seeing as you’d just met him a few days ago but, he just seemed right. Lost in thought, you hardly noticed when he slid his hand over yours squeezing it softly, his smile solely focused on you. The gesture made you blush, looking down at your intertwined fingers. 

It felt good to want someone other than the lightsaber wielding fiend that you’d been stuck on for weeks. And somehow, somehow he must have known you were having fun because you weren’t even thinking about him but as you turned your head, the black robed man stalked into the medbay making his way towards you. At first you assumed he’d probably hurt himself but upon analyzing him, you couldn’t see any sign of injury over his ridiculous amount of layers.

He halted as soon as he reached your desk, your two lunch mates immediately growing silent, Ben’s hand receding from your own; both you and Kylo noticed the movement for different reasons. For Ren, it only fueled the rage he'd been harboring for the man all day after having to listen to you going on and on about how fucking lovely he was, but for you it hurt to see him pull away from you so quickly.

“Anything I can do for you, commander?” Your words laced in blatant sarcasm. Dolara stared at you in horror, probably thinking you’d lost your mind talking to Kylo Ren like that. But Ren didn’t even glance your way, instead his gaze was focused on Ben. 

“Your boyfriend," he paused, watching the humor fall from your face at the title, "is meant to be repairing faulty wiring in my command shuttle to prepare it for a trip.” Ren snarled. He almost laughed at the way the technician nearly fell from his chair, sprinting from the room before he'd even finished speaking. You just stared at him, a heat building behind your eyes though Ren couldn’t tell if it came from your anger, or something else.

The room remained completely silent. You breathed in deeply, willing your anger to dissipate because you were about two seconds away from stabbing him through his nearly healed leg with a dull pencil. "Dolara," you spoke firmly, your voice completely void of emotions, the only indicator of anger being your balled up fists, "could you give us a moment? I need to speak to the commander about...something." She got up quickly, walking out as calmly as she could before looking back at you from the door, her gaze telling you not to get yourself killed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kind of short just cause I didn't realize how tired I'd be tonight but (there might be smut next chapter can u BLIEVE.)) <3


	8. Ren gets told

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aight lost my writing bug but I'm back, no smut in this one but i'm finally building the story in the direction I want it go soooo yeah, enjoy!

Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth. Again. And again. That’s what you told yourself. You needed to hold it together because you weren’t entirely sure how much you could say to him and get away with it. He just stood there, waiting for you to speak while you gathered your thoughts.

“What was that.” You calmly said, staring at a spot on your desk instead of directly at him. 

“I don’t know what you mean.” Ren replied simply, secretly wearing a satisfied smirk under his mask. He could hear all the profanities swirling around in your head, you trying to keep yourself calm, it was quite amusing to him, and maybe even a little bit cute.

“You didn’t need to come all the way down here to tell Ben to leave.” You had him there that was true, Kylo could’ve sent any number of stormtroopers. Honestly, he just wanted to see the look on your face, to be closer to you. He wouldn’t admit that though, not even to himself. 

“Well I would prefer not blowing up in my shuttle.” You slammed your hand on the table, hissing at the immediate crack in your fingers. You were so tired of this, of this stupid game, of his stupid, not face. Just of him and the way he knew exactly how to get to you, how to prod you just enough that you’d snap. What was infinitely worse was the sudden energy that seemed to spark between the two of you. Even as you contemplated tearing him limb from limb, somewhere in the back of your mind you wondered what it'd be like to tear his clothes off of him. 

“Why do you care what he does on his break? Why are you so hellbent on ruining my life, for maker’s sake, I saved yours!” 

“I never said that I cared, but if your relationship gets in the way of the first order’s work, I have every right to step in.” You were both standing now, somehow you’d moved to stand right in front of him and hadn’t even realized it. It was a bit difficult staring up at him trying to look angry and intimidating, he had at least a foot on you. 

“Bullshit.” You threw back at him venomously. 

“What did you just say to me?” He took a step forward into your personal space, towering over you, but it wasn’t intimidating, it was, well it was sort of enticing in a way you were entirely unfamiliar with. 

“I said, that’s bullshit and we both know it.” You remarked hoping your voice sounded more steady than you felt, as if you hadn’t just stepped into the lion’s den with this obscenely dangerous man. Kylo tilted his head, almost impressed with the girls’ fierceness, her willingness to fight back, even against him. His mind crossed into other thoughts and he briefly considered whether she’d be this dominant in other parts of her life. 

The sudden image of her on top of him leaves him breathless and disoriented and he’s consciously aware that he needs to get away from you as quickly as he can otherwise he might do something completely inappropriate. So, he steps back, takes half a second to compose himself and turns back to face you. 

“Before you invite that technician into your bed, make sure to ask him how many others he’s had in his just this week.”

\--

You drop down into your seat, emotionally drained and a bit shocked. Not only did you just get away with, one: yelling at Kylo Ren and two: getting in Kylo Ren’s face to further yell at him, Kylo Ren just told you right to your face that rumor has it, your not* boyfriend gets around. You almost laughed at the image of the commander partaking in gossip. 

You sighed, closing your eyes rubbing a hand over your face, you were thankful that at least you weren’t an angry crier. All things considered, that went better than you’d expected. You said what you wanted to say, mostly, and he didn’t cut you in half. A win-win. 

After a few minutes of uselessly trying to fill out paperwork, you gave up, opting instead to give yourself a day off because really, you of all people deserved it. You walked back to your personal quarters, flopping down on your bed and trying to drown out any thoughts of Kylo Ren. After an hour or so, you woke to the sound of pounding on your door, reluctantly getting out of bed you opened it to find Dolara standing on the other side. She pulled you into her arms immediately surprising you, your arms hanging limply at your sides unsure of how to respond.

“Thank maker you’re okay, when I came back you were gone, I thought he’d done something.” You chuckled.

“He didn’t do anything, I just-it’s complicated. Ren enjoys making me angry and I got tired of it.” You led her into your room, sitting on the bed, Dolara taking a seat on the chair at your small desk. 

“So what’d you do?”

“I yelled at him.” Her mouth fell open.

“And you’re alive?!”

“I guess,” you shrugged, “I don’t know, let's just forget about it alright, I’ve had enough of Kylo Ren to last a lifetime.” Dolara closed her mouth, smiling at you. Turning in the chair, she reached into her bag pulling something out.

“I have a wonderful idea.” 

“Is that liquor?” You asked incredulously, it’d been quite some time since you had a drink, the last time you’d even seen alcohol had been during your academy days. Dolara nodded at you, taking a sip and passing you the bottle. You took a gulp immediately, enjoying the slow burn that passed down your throat. You kept going like that passing the bottle back and forth while you talked, trying to avoid the subject, well the person, on your mind. 

“So are you gonna ask Ben out?” 

“I think Ren kind of ruined that for me, maker, he is such an ass you know? Like half the time he annoys the life out of me but then the other half of me wants to just, like, jump his bones, you know?” You were slurring your words by now, not caring what you revealed to her.

“Why don’t you?” She giggled.

“Why don’t I what? Oh, sleep with him?” She nodded. “Well, he’s, I don’t know, he’s the commander or whatever. There’s probably some policy about it. And anyway, I don’t even know what he looks like.” You sat up suddenly, your hazy mind coming up with an idea that you were sure to regret later. “You know what? I’m gonna go find out.” You got up from the bed, swaying slightly trying to get your balance. “I’m gonna go demand that he shows me his face.” Dolara didn’t stop you, her eyes drooping closed as she fell asleep, unable to talk some sense into you. You left her there, venturing into the hallway, holding onto the walls for support.

You made it to his private quarters eventually, not even thinking before you banged your hand on his door. “Kylo! Rennnnn, I need to talk to you!”


	9. Ren is aroused and confused

You were vaguely aware that it was well past the time that most people would be awake but you continued to bang on his door, waiting and waiting. Somewhere in your intoxicated mind you thought this was a great idea. That if you just demanded he show you his face then he’d do it. After another five minutes, your arm began growing tired so you just swayed on the spot thinking to yourself.

A moment later, the door opened. To be completely honest, you’re not sure what you were expecting to find but it certainly wasn’t this. A man stood there staring back at you. He was, well he was beautiful, high cheekbones, sleek nose and long flowing black hair. You didn’t expect him to look so…normal, or young. He looked exceptionally ordinary and extraordinary at the same, it made you freeze up for a moment. He just stared at you, eyes wide but tired. You couldn’t help it, you reached out your hand to touch him, to make sure you weren’t hallucinating. He seemed as surprised as you were, stumbling back out of your reach. 

And he was, because the one thing Kylo Ren did not expect was waking up in the middle of the night to you banging on his door, he’d thought it was some sort of emergency, he hadn’t even thought to put on his robes or his mask, he just blindly opened the door coming face to face with you. The way you looked at him in amazement and adoration stopped Kylo’s thought process completely, he couldn’t move. He didn’t even think about the consequences or the fact that you were seeing him, the real him. In a matter of seconds, Kylo pulled you into the room shutting the door behind him.

You were still frozen on the spot, consciously aware that you were no longer in the hallway but you hadn’t remembered moving. You turned to the man, looking him over again noticing that he wore sleeping clothes but still had a belt on, his lightsaber hanging off of it. 

“So...you’re hot.” You remarked. Somehow that didn’t make the air between you two any less awkward. You were beginning to feel dizzy and maybe just a tad bit aroused, because you now had a face to put to the fantasies and it was even better than you’d dreamed. Kylo hadn’t spoken yet, it was the first time he ever truly felt, well, speechless. What was he supposed to say? What the hell were you even doing here? And why the hell did your acknowledgement of his looks make him feel so damn good? 

Maybe being able to speak to a face instead of an expressionless mask made it easier for you, to view him as an actual person. It made it easier to speak to him, “I think, I’m pretty sure I came here to ask you what the fuck your problem is.” You laughed, watching his face grow more and more confused by the second.

“Do you know what time it is?” A smooth baritone voice replied back. The sound of it sent an electrified jolt through your body. Maker, why was everything about this guy suddenly 100 times sexier? You blamed it on the drinks. 

“Hmm, it’s time for you to give me some damn answers.” Kylo seemed to fully wake up at that moment, getting a grip on the situation. You had come to HIS quarters in the middle of the night, and you thought you could just demand anything from him? From the most powerful man in the galaxy? No way, you didn’t get to do this, not this time. 

You’d turned around by now forgetting the conversation, looking over his quarters. They hadn’t changed much since you’d been here before besides the robes lying on his couch. Yet again, you didn’t hear him advance towards you, lost in your own thoughts. 

He stepped dangerously close to you, the hilt of his lightsaber shoving into your hip painfully from the proximity of your bodies. His warm breath cascaded down the back of your neck causing goosebumps to erupt on your skin, you didn’t move an inch, both eager and slightly terrified to see what he’d do next. Maybe you’d gone too far and he’d spear you through the heart with his red saber after all. 

His breath hit your ear as he bent down towards you eliciting an aroused tingle that run down your entire body, unconsciously making you lean back against him. “Where do you get off saying that to your commander?” He murmured. In a moment of unexpected boldness, or maybe it was the arousing tone of his husky voice mixed with the dozens of drinks you’d had beforehand, you decided to make a move, slowly reaching back and grabbing his hand in yours pulling it to your body and down your side until you reached the top of your pants, placing his hand on your most sensitive parts. He was so close, you could feel the heat of his body against you, his long hair tickling the side of your neck.

“Right here, commander, I get off right here.” Behind you, you heard Ren suck in a sharp breath through his teeth, neither of you moving from your compromising position. You stood patiently, curious to see if he’d pull his hand away from you in disgust or if maybe, he’d gotten the hint finally and he’d do something about it. You weren’t sure where this sex crazed side of you had suddenly come from but you were most definitely enjoying it. You'd entirely forgotten that you were mad at him at all.

Kylo breathed in your scent completely entranced by you, every move you made shocked him, a feeling he hadn’t experienced around anyone for as long as he could remember. You were so different, so mysterious and alluring to him and he almost gave in, almost. And then he smelled the liquor on your breath and he pulled away from you completely, leaving you staggering without his body to hold you up. 

He felt an underlying rage build up within him at the thought that you’d come here completely intoxicated to pick a fight with him and then hit on him but the feeling left as quickly as it’d come. He had decided something in that moment though, if he were to have you it wouldn’t be like this, you were not going to have to get drunk to be attracted to him. He knew this meant he’d have to be...nicer. The thought made him cringe. But he was finally admitting it to himself, he liked you; he wanted you. His internal monologue distracted him from your presence, not realizing you had disappeared out of his sight until he looked up again. 

He heard your muffled laughing, following the sound into his room to find you stepping out of your pants, stumbling around pulling them off one leg at a time. He watched from the door in amusement and annoyance as you made yourself at home in his bed, rolling over and falling asleep as soon as your head hit the pillow.


	10. Ren is a secret admirer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a while but I've been at Denver comic con for a few days and I went to a bunch of writing panels so I am back and ready to write more than ever. (Writing Kylo is much easier after seeing n meeting Kylo cosplayers this weekend)

You woke up on something soft, softer than your bed typically was and it smelled ridiculously good. You cuddled yourself closer to your pillow breathing in the faint scent. Slowly, you opened your eyes expecting to be blinded by the light shining through your upper window but were instead greeted by almost complete darkness. Not to mention, the excruciating ringing that flew through your head followed by a dry mouth and then instantaneous nausea. 

Oh maker, you hadn’t felt this way since school in your younger years when drinking was the only way to get through the rigorous course load. Right now, however, you were fairly confused by your surroundings. When your eyes had adjusted you immediately noticed something odd, black sheets. Your sheets were not black. You sat up quickly, immediately getting dizzy by the movement.

This was not your room. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This was most certainly not your room but you did recognize the surroundings. You were in Commander Ren’s private quarters, sleeping in Commander Ren’s bed; you looked down, no pants. You tangled yourself out of the silky sheets getting to your feet and looking around the room for your pants. Wondering how the hell they got off in the first place.

How the hell had you gotten here? Where the hell was Ren? And most importantly, what had happened? You remembered the drinking, and there was a lot of drinking but beyond that your memory become a blur and you couldn't quite put together the timeline in which you ended up here. You slid your pants on with minor difficulty, trying to ignore the pounding in your skull. Slowly, you tip toed towards the door, opening it an inch to peak out into the rest of his quarters to see if he was there. But you found it empty. 

You turned back around before leaving, finding that the other side of the bed, the one you hadn’t slept on to be perfectly made. Where had Ren slept last night if you’d taken up his bed? And why had he let you take it in the first place? You could only imagine what your intoxicated mind had said to the man but you just couldn’t remember, the memories wouldn’t come to you. 

You nearly ran from his room after that, trying your best not to be seen especially since you were still wearing your clothes from yesterday. You made it back to your own quarters, Dolara no longer there. You were sure to yell at her later for letting you go to Ren’s room in the first place. 

Work passed slowly which was a good thing since it gave you time to think. Eventually Dolara made her way over to you, an apologetic and curious look on her face. You glared at her. 

“You’ll never guess where I woke up today.” Her eyes widened. 

“You slept with him?!” You smacked her arm.

“Of course I didn’t! Well, actually..I’m not exactly sure. I don’t remember anything.” The perplexed look on your face made the girl giggle. 

“So ask him.”

“Ah yes Commander Ren, did we sleep together last night or something because I was so wasted I don’t even remember coming to your room. I’m sure that’ll go over well.” 

“Well you’ll never know if you don’t ask. I mean, what harm can that do?”

“He owns a lightsaber and is very temperamental.”

“Fair enough, but-” Speak of the devil. The man himself, all billowing robes and loud footsteps walked into the infirmary, yet again. “See you at lunch?” Dolara got up, walking over to tend to an injured engineer.

You were suddenly nervous, unsure what you were supposed to say to him when you didn’t even remember what had occurred. “Ren-, Commander, what can I do for you, sir?” He tilted his head, observing you carefully. 

“You were not yourself yesterday…” He paused thinking of his words carefully, “I wanted to make sure you..you were alright.” You nearly gaped at him. This was certainly a change.

“I, yes. I’m alright. It, uhm, what happened yesterday, won’t happen again.” Kylo smiled remembering your clumsiness and boldness in his room last night.

“No? Well it was quite amusing.” With that, he turned and walked out, leaving you with even more questions than before. You spent the rest of your shift wondering what the hell he meant and why you had gotten so damn wasted that you couldn’t remember a single thing. You made it back to your door, eyes drooping from exhaustion nearly tripping over your feet because something was on the floor in front your room. 

You looked down, becoming even more baffled, there on the floor in front of your quarters sat a small bowl with water and in it, a small array of colorful flowers unlike any you’d ever seen. You picked them up inspecting each one carefully your mouth widening in a bright smile. You wondered who’d left them, you eyes falling back down to the floor picking up the small note. 

'A flower for each time you’ve made me smile.'

The note warmed your heart but gave no further clues to who may have sent the gift. Faintly, you wondered if they were from Ren but quickly dismissed the thought. The commander of the first order had better things to do than send unimportant medics a bunch of cute flowers, no it couldn’t be him. Perhaps it was Ben, you hadn’t seen much of him lately but you hoped that maybe your chances with him hadn’t been ruined after all.

You entered your room, placing the flowers on your bedside table before hopping into the shower. After washing all the blood and grime off your body, you snuggled into your bed, unconsciously noting that Kylo Ren’s had been much more comfortable. You dozed off quickly falling into a dream state, the last thing you remembered before you fell into a deep sleep was wavy raven hair and deep brown eyes.


	11. Ren is not a good teacher

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to The mills brothers - You always hurt the one you love for being my song writing inspiration this chapter.

“Therefore, all medical personnel must be trained in field combat in the event that an attack occurs or their assistance is required for off-world assignments. The first round of medical staff will meet at the training rooms at 0900 unless stated otherwise in their assignment. Attendance is mandatory. Dismissed” Captain Phasma called out. You all got up, returning to work talking about this new combat thing they wanted you to do. You had never really signed up to fight for the first order, that was a stormtroopers job after all. I guess if it meant saving your own life, it made sense. 

You pulled out your datapad to double check which round of trainees you would be part of, immediately getting confused when you found your email notification. ‘Report to the south hallway, 0500 hours, room 246, pass code 2187, regards Phasma.’ You weren’t aware training was taking place anywhere other than the main training room in the east wing but apparently that wasn’t the case. You shrugged the thought away, only a tad bit annoyed that you had to wake up four hours before everyone else. Across the base, Kylo Ren nearly punched a table.

He didn’t think he was being subtle, was he being subtle? With the flowers, you’d thought of Ben; not Kylo. With the training, it didn’t occur odd to you that you’d be training away from everyone else and before anyone else. And this was really, really just frustrating the hell out of the man. Even Hux himself was starting to notice that Kylo’s mind was elsewhere. Every last thought revolved around you, getting closer to you, knowing you..being with you. Kylo knew this was dangerous that feelings like this could not only get you both in trouble but also get in the way of the first order’s work and the worst part of it was; Kylo wasn’t even sure he cared. 

He did, however, care that you get personal training which led him to pulling you out of the general training sessions which Phasma would lead and instead placed you into his regular training schedule. He wasn’t quite sure how you’d feel about it yet but the more time spent with you, in any capacity, the better. 

You got up the next morning, shutting off the alarm clock blaring on your bedside table, your tired body groaned and creaked as you moved out of your bed wiping the sleep from your eyes. You stood in front of your small closet for a ridiculously long time, contemplating what one would wear to a training session since 99% of your wardrobe consisted of scrubs. You settled for a plain white shirt and loose fitting sweats that you tended to lounge around in on your rare days off. It wasn’t a particularly flattering look but it’s not like you were trying to impress anyone so you put your hair up into a messy bun and made your way down to your training session. The halls were eerily quiet this early in the morning but you enjoyed the calmness on the usually chaotic base as you made your way through the halls.

Kylo had opted to wear his usual garb, minus the heavy scarves. He wasn’t quite ready to be completely out in the open with you yet, especially because of your reaction last time you saw his face. Though he was most fond of the look you’d given him and how it’d made him feel, well, attractive..and confident. And he never really felt that way anywhere else, with anyone else. Kylo looked up at the door from his position on the floor, hearing the tell tale sounds of the code being entered and waited for your reaction as you came in. 

You were slightly proud of yourself for not messing up the pass code more than once, opening the door to find the room empty, almost empty. On the floor sat the familiar frame with his infamous black attire. You stared at him as he sat unmoving almost looking like he was meditating until he tilted his head towards you and beckoned you forward. 

“Uhm, am I in the wrong room?” You mumbled. Ren shook his head.

“I will be your teacher.” The grating voice from the mask replied. 

“Why?” 

“Because I said so, now come here and stretch or you will pull something.” You reluctantly sat down across from him, at least 5 feet between you. You began stretching your legs and arms, mimicking Kylo’s movements, wondering why he was wearing all those clothes while training. Was that normal? Wouldn’t the mask make it difficult? You decided against asking. At the moment, you weren’t necessarily angry with Ren being your teacher, he was a good fighter after all, you were more confused, as you generally tended to be around Ren. You wanted to ask about that night you still couldn’t remember but he didn’t give you the time, instead ordering you to stand in front of him. “Okay, hit me.”

“What?!”

“Hit me. As hard as you can.” You balled your hand into a fist pulling back and aiming towards his chest feeling strangely exhilarated at being able to touch him. Not to mention the amount of times you’ve physically wanted to beat the life out of him. So you swung at him as hard as you could, your knuckles nearly brushing his chest before his arm shot out blocking yours. “Again.” You pulled back trying once more, he blocked your arm easily. You kept on like this for several minutes, never making it more than a few inches to his body, he could see your frustration growing. 

You sighed, “This is pointless. You’re better at this, I already knew that.” 

“You’re going about it wrong. You won’t be able to hit me if you’re aiming high. Because you’re so...small and I am taller, my center of gravity is lower. If your opponent is taller, you need to aim lower to get them off balance. Aim for the legs, the abdomen, anything to destabilize or surprise them. Try again.” You nodded, getting back into position in front of him. You were more determined now, aiming for his lower side feeling giddy when your fist brushed along the fabric before a hand caught your wrist. You continued to try to hit him in several places to no avail, eventually distracting yourself with thoughts so you wouldn’t get frustrated. 

You mind settled on one thought in particular. The time, all those weeks ago, when you’d bandaged Kylo in his quarters and how appealing his body had looked, all those muscles on his abdomen. You wondered how he looked after training sessions, dripping in sweat and- 

Kylo noticed your distracted thoughts, gripping your wrist painfully and with such force that your body fell backwards onto the mats. You look up at him, surprised and mortified, and most of all, in pain. Your wrist throbbing wildly, no doubt there would be finger shaped bruises there tomorrow. You wait for him to speak. 

“You think your opponents will go easy on you? That they’ll just block your pathetic attempts at hitting instead of slitting your throat or snapping your neck? Stupid girl, I am trying to help you! I don’t have time for your idiotic thoughts to distract you from learning what you need to survive!” He regretted the words as soon as he said them, watching the tears well up in your eyes, your hand moving to soothe your injured wrist. He’d done it again, lost his temper with you, the one person who mattered something to him. He moved towards you in an attempt to help you up but you backed away from him instantly, his body flooding with guilt. He watched you get up wordlessly, your jaw clenched tight as you shuffled out of the room quickly without looking back at him. Kylo slumped down against the wall, pulling his mask off, running a nervous hand through his hair.

How was he going to fix this?

\--

You stayed in your room for the rest of the morning, icing your wrist the best you could, wincing every time you needed to pick something up with it. You were infuriated, and weirdly upset, both at yourself and Ren. You had to admit he was right, you were training for a reason and you’d completely messed up but at the same time, he didn’t have to take it out on you like that. You thought things between you had been getting better that perhaps he may even like you. I mean, you’d slept in his bed right? It was all too much to think about. You’d been awake all of three hours and you were already emotionally and physically exhausted.

\--

Kylo waited until the hallways had cleared out during the usual lunch breaks, making his way down the hall to your quarters. Stopping in front of it to listen in for your thoughts, he didn’t find them. 

He reached a hand in his pocket and pulled out a silk chain, attached to it a small Kyber crystal he’d found months ago. He wrapped the necklace around a small note, placing it on the dust filled mat in front of your door. He thought about knocking on your door, to make sure you’d find it but instead he let you sleep, knowing you’d see it when you left your room for your shift in a few hours. It made him nervous, uncertain to be doing things like this. He’d never tried so hard for something, or rather someone, he wanted.


	12. Ren is abnormally upset

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my fellow dudes (its been a wild few days) but I have returned with yet another chapter, I've always mildly edited a few past chapters to fit the direction of the story just so yall know. Anyway, have a wonderful day I hope you enjoy it and of course let me know what you think(:
> 
> (Also lowkey but highkey the notes are a little nod to Adam's movie Paterson since I'm poetry trash)

You woke not too long after refusing to move from your bed, staring up at the glum ceiling lost in thought. When had your life become so complicated? Your eyes fell to your bruised wrist, oh right, since Ren had entered your life, or rather, unceremoniously crashed into it. It was strange and certainly frustrating, the more you saw of him, the more of a mystery he became. He was an unsolvable puzzle, a paradox. Always running hot or cold without an in between. 

If he would just talk to you, say more than a few cryptic words then maybe none of this would be so..convoluted. There were certainly moments, usually not lasting for more than a fraction of a second, where you saw light in him, some sort of kindness but then they’d disappear as soon as they’d come, leaving you wondering again. Could you accept that about him? Would having to deal with the constant harsh and mute exterior be worth it just to get a few moments of what was underneath? 

You weren’t sure you were willing to risk your life on it. You were sure of one thing though, he had to feel something for you, maybe not attraction and definitely not love but there had to be a reason he constantly seeked you out, perhaps he needed companionship; a friend. That was something you were willing to give, secretly you’d be willing to give much more if only he asked. You finally rose from your bed stretching to alleviate the last remnants of sleep from your body. A knock came from your door a moment later, you opened it to find an unexpected face. 

“Ben! It’s-...nice to see you!” The man smiled widely back at you, holding something out to you in his hand. 

‘There is nothing in the galaxy I wouldn’t give you to show you how sorry I am. I’m hoping this could be a start. Forgive me?’

You smile brightly as him holding the gift to your chest, that was so sweet of him. You stepped aside, inviting him into the room looking down at the necklace in your hands. Kyber crystals were very valuable and you vaguely wondered how he’d gotten a hold of one but before you could ask, his arm pulled you to him. 

“I’ve missed you.” He stated wrapping an arm around your middle. You blushed, looking down and away from him. The sudden affection was certainly something you’d been longing for so you leaned into him, wrapping a loose arm around his neck. 

“It has been a while, hasn’t it?” You replied playfully, your eyes resting on his inviting pink lips. Ben took the hint, leaning down and brushing his mouth against yours pulling you even closer to him. 

“Well luckily for us, I’m not on shift today so Ren can’t come barging in again.” He joked. The sudden mention of him soured your mood for all of two seconds before Ben’s mouth was back on yours. You tried not to think about the pit in your stomach at the thought of Kylo. It didn’t mean anything….you liked Ben. 

\--

After, you’re laying on your bed still panting and you're staring at Ben’s half closed eyes but he hardly even looks at you. You tell yourself it's because he’s tired...it’s the physical exhaustion of your ‘activities’. You’re happy he’s here with you, right? He likes you, you like him. But it feels more complicated than that. There’s no spark in your chest when his lips find yours in fact, there’s a whole other feeling eating away at you more and more as the seconds pass by and you dwell on what you’d just done. You’re almost afraid to acknowledge it. 

And it’s not until Ben has already left for the night when you pick up the note from the necklace turning it over in your hand, finding it signed with a name. Kylo. Within moments your blood runs cold and you have to hold on to the wall to keep yourself upright because it’s like your entire world has shifted and all it took was four letters, his name. 

Ben was the least of your worries right now, though you were certain whenever you cleared this whole mess up you’d find him and throw him right out into open space for lying to you, for using you. But at the very moment, your thoughts were focused solely on him, on Kylo. And the mounting guilt you began to feel. It had been him, the flowers, the necklace. 

Oh maker, what have you done? Would he know? Would he know you’d just taken someone else to bed thinking those gifts had come from him? Would he understand?

You felt like an idiot, sitting there in your bed with only a sheet to cover you. You couldn’t take your eyes off of the sheet of paper, his name seeming to mock you. 

But as dreadful as you felt right now, Kylo Ren swore he felt a million times worse. He was uncharacteristically calm for a while, when he realized you’d thought it had been the technician he remained unnaturally still on his living room couch. Simply staring at his hands. It wasn’t until much later that he started shaking, his fingers trembling so wildly that he couldn’t even manage to reach out for his light saber. He just sat there letting his body convulse, silent sobs wracking his body.

Was this how it felt to have your heart broken? When he had first made the decision to accept his feelings for you, this was not one of the scenarios he had prepared himself for. When things started to get too intimate, he left your thoughts finally managing to pick up his weapon from the coffee table. 

He swung the unstable blade recklessly, destroying everything in his path, crying out every time he reached a target. He pointedly ignored the tears running down his face, not wanting to acknowledge how much this truly affected him. He knew he’d have to face it eventually, but he’d wait as long as he could. When his arms finally got tired and his voice hoarse from exertion, he slumped down onto the decimated furniture, not caring about the glass piercing his thighs and legs. He threw his mask off, watching it fly across the room, denting a wall. 

Kylo couldn’t be bothered to clean himself up, wiping his sweat drenched shirt across his face to at least rid himself of tears. It wasn’t until he heard an apprehensive knock on his door that he snapped out of his small breakdown. 

“What do you want?” He croaked out, still remaining on the floor.

“Kylo...I need to talk to you.” There was pain in your voice which surprised him but he was still reluctant to let you inside. Sighing, he picked himself up from the floor dragging himself to stand in front of the locked door. 

“What do you want from me?” He leaned his forehead against the cool metal.

“Ren-..Kylo, I’m so-sorry. I didn’t know. I’m sorry. Please let me in.” He released a shaky breath not realizing how much he wanted to be near you, how healing your presence was to him. 

“Under one condition.”

“Anything.”

“Close your eyes.” Your heart raced at the reply, he wasn’t wearing his helmet “I don’t want you to see me right now.” 

“Will I? One day?” Kylo almost laughed.

“You already have. Now close your eyes, I’ll know if you don’t.” You shut your eyes as he opens the door, grasping the sleeve of your shirt to pull you into the room. “Do. Not. Look at me.” He tells your sternly, though it’s much less intimidating hearing his voice without the mask distorting his voice, but you weren’t gonna tell him that. You wonder idly if he’d notice if you took a tiny peek, because the curiosity of what lay under all those layers was seriously starting to drive you mad but then realize you wouldn’t be able to even if you wanted, the distinct feeling of the force hanging over your eyelids made it clear that there was no way you’d see him unless he wanted you too. “Stay here.” 

You hear him walking away, noticing the crunching sounds of what sounds like glass as he moves around. He returns a few seconds later standing behind you. “I’m going to put this over your eyes don’t freak out.' He lifts the tie over you, gently placing it over your closed lids, his hands brushing strands of your hair back as he ties it behind your head. It’s only his fingertips touching you and yet you can’t get enough of him. 

Maybe it was the way he touched you so tenderly, like you’d break under his fingers that made you realize that there might just be a man under all those layers after all. Not a monster, a living, breathing, and feeling human man who wanted to be loved just as much as the rest of us, even if somewhere along the line he’d forgotten that. You saw that now, regretting that you hadn’t even given him the proper chance to show it before you’d gone off and screwed it all up.

“I am sorry, you know.” You hear him let out a shaky breath, still behind you. 

“I should have just told you myself, how I felt..” His voice is uncertain, it reflects how he feels at the current moment. He’d never really been good at voicing his feelings. You turn around to face him, to ‘look’ at him when he’s talking to you. Hesitantly, you reached a hand towards him, searching for his face and this time he doesn’t pull away. He lets your fingers glide over his features, his face is still wet with tears but you don’t comment on it. “I should have told you” He starts again after another breath, “That I have feelings for you.” The corner of your mouth turns up in a smile. 

Neither of you really say anything after that, instead opting to stand there in each other’s embrace. Then Kylo takes your hands in his, placing them on his chest and letting his own cradle your face. It’s a split second decision but he leans down stopping an inch away from your face, feeling your cheeks heat up when his fingers brush your jaw. 

He shuts his eyes and closes the distance between you and lets his lips glide over yours delicately, you respond almost instantly stepping closer to deepen the kiss, your noses bumping against each other as your mouth moves against his. When he pulls away from you to fill his lungs with air, you desperately want to look up and see the expression on his face but you settle for tracing the smile on his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song inspo for this chapter is Oliolioxenfree - Sworn In or more specifically this line from the song ''Just the useless fucking shell of a bitter broken man" cause I love angst ?


	13. Ren is a cuddly monster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of writers block this week but I did manage to finish something whoo! I'll be working all weekend but I should be able to get the next chapter written sometime within this week, love y'all let me know what you think(:

You remain standing for quite a while, with the blindfold on you’re not really sure how much time passes but you’re not concerned. You feel content here, standing in his embrace, slightly swaying to the tune of your steady breaths. Every now and again he leans down and brushes his lips against yours and you lean into it each time, trying to taste more of him, trying to be consumed by him. 

Kylo takes your hand in his, pulling you from your spot towards what you assume to be his room. He leads you over to it grabbing onto your waist to direct you until you're lying comfortably on his bed. There’s a content silence in the air even when there is so much you still feel like you need to say. You don’t break it though, choosing instead to enjoy the moment of peace while it’s there. Kylo is the first to speak.

“Will you be continuing your training with someone else?” The reminder dulls your mood, but only slightly. 

“Training with you might be a bit of a distraction, don’t you think? Besides, Phasma is plenty capable of showing me how to defend myself.” He nods to himself, pulling you closer into his arms. The sudden intimacy of the situation is strangely easier than he thought it’d be. Being close with someone, in any capacity had never been something Kylo had particularly excelled at. But with you, it seemed almost natural. “Did you purposely make sure I’d be training with you?” 

“Yes.” 

“Why?” 

“I wanted to make sure you’d be ready, that you would be safe.” He replied coolly. Your hands tightened around his biceps.

“Safe from what?” 

“Anyone that tries to lay a hand on you.” Though you were a bit worried at his words, his reply made you chuckle.

“Even you?” Ren looked down at your smirking face, amused.

“Even me. You’ve thought about it enough times.”

“I find it unfair that you get to scour my thoughts whenever you please.”

“Would you like me to stop?”

“Would you? Even If I said yes?”

“Probably not. Your thoughts tend to be very entertaining.” You thought it over, snuggling closer to him all the while.

“Then you can stay.” He was happy to have your permission, happy that you’d allow him that personal part of yourself that no one else had access too. “What are you thinking about?”

“At this very moment, I’m trying not to think about the technician.” Kylo said, silently growling at he searched the man's thoughts. He was bragging about what he’d done, how easy it had been to get with you. Kylo moved to sit up on the bed, being stopped by a small arm around his abdomen. 

“Stay, Kylo. Stay with me. Please.” Your voice was barely above a whisper and you wanted more than anything to see the expression on his face. Instead, you felt him lay back down next to you, shifting so that your head leaned onto his chest. His heart thumped widely but you felt it gradually slow as you soothingly drew random shapes on his exposed torso. 

The sudden quiet in the room let your mind wander, though your thoughts stayed on the man beside you. Ren was so diametrically opposed, always a contradiction. You had seen him destroy men with the flick on his hands and use those same limbs to run his fingers through your hair and touch you lighter than a feather in fear of hurting you. How was it possible that these two extremes could exist within one person?

This part of him, the one he’d revealed to you just now, was someone you wanted to see more often. If you got to keep this part of him that no one else got to see, even if you had to hide it, you would be happy. Your chest flooded with a sudden happiness so intense that you thought you might cry because for the first time, you realized someone might care about you as much as you cared about them, even if that person was the infamous Kylo Ren. You drifted to sleep with the thoughts of him lingering in your mind. 

Ren stared down at the woman below him, a small smile appearing on his face while he listened into your mind. You were finally accepting him, the one thing he had wanted this whole time. Though, things had not at all gone the way he had hoped, you were still here with him, voluntarily. 

Kylo carefully lifted your arm off of him, moving at the slowest pace he possibly could so as not to wake you. Quietly picking up his robes and helmet from the couch, he slipped them on looking back to make sure your eyes were still shut. Once he entered the hallway outside his room, his usual heavy steps resumed as he stomped down the corridors, his rage returning to him. 

The boy didn’t expect it and Ren didn’t show mercy, lifting him off the ground at first sight of him. Ben looked down at Kylo with a terrified glance, tears pooling at his eyes. Ren watched the breath leave him until he gasped out one last time, crumpling onto the floor. The others in the room didn’t move an inch, fearing the same fate as Kylo stared down at the body, satisfied with himself. He called to the nearest stormtrooper ordering the man to clean the mess before turning and walking directly back the way he came. 

You were still fast asleep by the time he returned, easily returning to his position beside you. Kylo didn’t remove the blindfold but leaned down to kiss your forehead before settling into a comfortable position and falling into a dreamless sleep for the first time in months.


	14. Ren goes on a mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its been like two weeks im so sorry!!! I hit a writers block between working shifts but I managed to finally find the time to sit down and get something out! As always let me know what y'all think.
> 
> (also i got my rebel alliance tattoo last week and its healing up nicely)

You opened your eyes in the morning to find complete darkness, immediately getting confused before realizing the blindfold was still over your eyes. You reached out to your side, seeking out the warmth of Kylo’s body and instead coming up with only air. 

You pulled the blindfold off, the room was empty like you’d thought. Turning your head, a piece of paper on the desk beside the bed caught your eye. You recognized the scrawl of Kylo’s handwriting immediately. 

‘Meetings with Hux, I’d like to see you again’ - Kylo

You smiled down at the paper, slightly ashamed that a few words from him could make you blush the way you were now. Last night had changed a lot of things for you, certainly the way you thought about Kylo and your relationship with him. You yearned for him, craved the feeling of his arms around you once more and you couldn’t help but feel giddy at the thought of being near him again. 

\--

You didn’t see Ren again until two days after, his lack of subtlety in asking you to accompany him into the hall was almost laughable but you kept a straight face until you were away from prying eyes. The two of you turned a corner, finding the corridor empty. You looked up at his helmet, a faint smile gracing your lips when his gloved hand reached out and his fingers stroked down your cheek gently. 

“How have you been?” The modulated voice asked you, his hand still brushing your skin. 

“Good….confused and frustrated, but good.”

“And why would that be?”

“The usual reason, because of a man.” You thought you heard a faint chuckle from him. 

“Anything I can do?” 

“You could let me see you.” Kylo considered it, lifting his hand to reach for his helmet but at the last second an officer past by the corridor and he changed his mind. 

“Perhaps, another time.” You sighed. 

“I’ll hold you to it.” The two of you stood in silence for a moment unsure of how to proceed, “I should probably head back...the nurses will be gossiping.” 

“Let them.” You smiled at Ren, waving goodbye before walking off but turned at the last moment.

“Can I see you again?” The irony of your words made him smile.

“Soon. After my mission.” He moved his hand in a waving motion before making his way down the hall.  
-  
Just before hopping into bed, an unexpected knock came to your door. You groaned shuffling to open it, finding Phasma on the other side. 

“Captain? What can I do for you?” You’d grown used to her over your weeks of combat training and had come to think of her as a friend, despite the difference in your ranks.

“I’ve been told to come inform you that you and 6 other medics will be joining the knights on their mission to Corellia.”

“I thought Corellia was openly affiliated with the first order, what would they need medical assistance for?”

“Well there is talk of rebels on the planet who are trying to persuade the Corellian government that working with the resistance will be more beneficial to them.” You nodded your head in thought. 

“Please bring extra sets of clothes and an emergency medical bag. You’ll be meeting the others in hangar one at 0700 tomorrow.”

“Thank you, Phasma.” She gave you a small smile, moving to put her helmet back on.

“Be safe, you’re one of our best.”  
-  
You were up bright and early the next morning, eager for your first mission and incredibly nervous of what the future held. Would there be a fire fight? Would Kylo get hurt? Would you? You tried to keep the nerves from getting to you but not knowing what to expect made your mind come up with horrific scenarios of your own. 

You loitered around the hangar bay for around an hour before the other medics showed up, each muttering good mornings to you as they passed. You heard him before you saw him, the heavy falls of his boots making you turn. He was surrounded by what you assumed were the knights, all dressed similarly to him. He didn’t say a word to you but tilted his head to signal that it was time to leave. You were the last one to be seated, surprised to see Kylo make his way to the pilot's seat.

The journey was fairly long and you found yourself dozing off a few times, the atmosphere of the shuttle was a tad awkward but the knights spoke amongst themselves every now and again. In between sleep, you spent your time watching Kylo who himself, wasn’t doing much of anything. He hadn’t wanted you to be on this mission, or any mission at all, but Hux had fought with him on the topic, claiming that your medical expertise was needed and he couldn’t exactly argue that. It didn’t mean that he was any more okay with putting you in danger. 

Kylo could hear your loud, unfiltered thoughts, your current worries and he wanted nothing more than to walk over and comfort you but he knew he couldn’t with the knights around him. Though he trusted them, there was no way he’d reveal his feelings to them, they could use it as a weakness. He landed the shuttle and sighed to himself, dismissing thoughts of you from his head the best he could, he couldn’t let anything distract him from his goal right now.


	15. Ren is distracted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this entirely during my serial killers 3490 lecture, enjoy(:

Corellia was fairly quiet once you’d landed, the knights walked cautiously towards Coronet city while you and the medics hung back behind them until you got the all clear to follow. From a distance, it looked nice, tall luxurious buildings shining in the sunlight. It made the city look like it were glowing, like something magical. But you knew better and the others seemed to notice just how quiet it seemed to be. There were no speeders, no shuttles lifting off or landing in the city, not a soul in sight.

You slowed down falling behind the rest of the group observing the knights ahead of you, well, observing him. Kylo looked tense, his shoulders hunched while a gloved hand hovered over his lightsaber incase he needed to react quickly. You followed them through a wooded area just outside the city perimeter, nearly twisting an ankle when you failed to notice a tree root sticking out of the ground. A sudden yelp left your mouth as your foot got caught, causing the others to snap around, the knights immediately pointing their weapons in your direction.

“Sorry! Sorry, I-uh, all good here.” You face flushed bright red, you felt mortified. The knights relaxed, lowering their blasters and turning back, all of them but one. Kylo told them to keep moving forward and to signal him if they see anything before turning to walk towards you. The other medics didn’t comment on it but you were sure you saw a few of their eyes widen as he made his way over, walking just behind you. You slowed your pace, getting some distance from the rest of the group and subtly turning your comlink off incase anyone tried to eavesdrop. You looked over your shoulder momentarily, finding Ren’s helmet pointed towards you. 

“Well?” You whispered in his direction.

“We’re here five minutes and you’ve already managed to get yourself into trouble.” Even through the voice modulator, you could tell he was making fun of you. You glared at his figure, quickening your pace away from him. Before you could get too far, Ren reached out grabbing your arm stopping your retreat from him but unlike the other times, his grip on you was gentle, “Will you just….if we run into anyone, take cover.” 

“Worried about me Ren?” Kylo thought it over, yes, subconsciously he was worried, scared even, that the one good thing in his life would be taken from him and he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. He tried to shake the feeling away reminding himself that this mission was too important to the success of the first order for his focus to be elsewhere, despite himself, the creeping sense of fear still lurked within him. 

Even just now, when he’d felt your sense of panic through the force, he’d dropped everything, every bit of protocol and common sense to check on you. It dawned on him that he hadn’t even reached for his weapon like the other knights had, instead he’d reached a hand out towards you and he wasn’t even sure why. This instinct to protect you before himself, he’d never felt it before, he was still deciding how he felt about the whole thing.

You could see Kylo’s internal conflict through his body language, the way he tilted his head to the side, followed after you with uneven steps. This was one of the times you wished you could read minds, it would make this whole ‘thing’ between the two of you so much easier. 

“Uh, Kylo?” You spoke warily, lightly squeezing his hand snapping him out of whatever was clouding his mind. He flinched when you touched him pulling his hand back and making his way back towards the other knights without another word. You sighed, wondering what you’d done this time to upset him. Maybe he was regretting what happened between the two of you, maybe he didn’t want you after all.

You didn’t get to finish your thought however, because in the next second you saw a blinding light and then you were off your feet entirely, Thrown by an invisible force.

Trees? Were those trees? When did you get here? You wondered for a moment if your eyes were open or if you were dreaming, there was a sense of weightlessness that surrounded your body. 

Ringing? Is someone calling my comlink? Why is it so loud? You found yourself reaching for it but your hands weren’t moving with the rest of your body, they lay there limply to your side.

When had you gotten on the ground? The more you tried to understand your surroundings, the more disoriented you felt. Looking up, you could see the sky, watching the different shapes each cloud made above you. That one, on the left, it looked like a porg you decided. You smiled to yourself, at least, you thought you did. 

Your eyes grew tired, you decided it was a good time for a nap, maybe the world would make sense when you woke.


	16. Ren is terrified.

If his heart ever stopped, he imagined this is what it would feel like. Kylo couldn’t breathe, partly due to the smoke filling his lungs but mostly because when he’d turned his head to make sure you were okay, you were no longer standing there behind him, or anywhere within the vicinity. It made Kylo’s blood run cold because he genuinely didn’t know what to do next. 

The knights would expect him to lead them, as they always did and here he was, the ‘jedi killer’ laying on the ground coughing up a lung, frantically looking through the trees for any sight of you rather than looking for the origin of the explosive. He reached out into the force looking for your familiar thoughts but found it to be quiet. Too quiet, it only worsened his fears. He clenched his fists to keep his hands from shaking and moved to stand. In the next second blaster shots rang out around him and he was pulling out his lightsaber, his focus shifting to the immediate threat to his own well being. 

\--  
You opened your eyes again, an excruciating sensation ran up your back as you moved to survey your surroundings, a low groan falling from your dry lips. The air was hazy with smoke, you could faintly see the trail you’d been walking on before you’d been hit.

Your team? Where were they? Turning your head took about half of whatever remaining energy your body had for the day. The sun sat lower in the sky then you remembered and you wondered just how long you must have been asleep. Had they left without you? Did they think you were dead? Did Kylo? Your sense of panic wasn’t enough to get you moving because upon further inspection you realized that your leg was more than likely broken and your trouble breathing could be attributed to whatever smoke you’d inhaled, black soot probably coating your throat as you tried coughing to clear your airway. 

You pulled yourself into a sitting position, immediately holding in a pained shriek because holy maker, your ribs were most definitely broken. Cataloging your injuries was a slow process, you were sure your bottom lip probably looked god-awful with how often you bit down on it in order to keep quiet. Fractured ankle, at least 3 broken ribs, second degree burns over at least 75% of your back and a few minor cuts and bruises. The only upside to this...you’d live, unless someone tried to blow you up again. Well and there was the tiny problem of not knowing where the hell you were, who attacked you and if you’d ever make it off this dreaded planet. 

You settled for crawling towards the trail, tears pooled in your eyes each time the ground rubbed against your burns but you kept going, biting down on you poor lip so hard you drew blood. The sudden sound of blasters drew your attention and you paused your movements looking in the directions the shots had come from. In the distance, you could see flashes of color through tear stained eyes, eventually they came into focus as you rubbed the excess liquid from your face. 

Resistance fighters, a lot of them by the looks of it. You started feeling uneasy again hoping they wouldn’t spot you but a few moments later, a tall black mass appeared in your line of sight behind the trees.

Kylo. You nearly screamed the name out loud before realizing that probably wouldn’t do either of you much good in your situation. You watched as he slashed through soldiers bodies, many of them not even realizing what happened until they’d already hit the ground.   
\--  
Kylo saw red. He swung blindly, enraged by the thought that these people might have harmed you, might have taken you from him. He slashed and slashed until all he saw was the blood of his fallen enemies, surrounding him, covering him. Something in him compelled him to keep going, not for his own benefit. Perhaps it was the notion that if he stopped, if he paused for a moment to collect his thoughts, he'd have to admit how helpless he felt when he didn't see you and how angry he was, at himself for failing you. He'd made it his priority to keep you safe and in a matter of moments he'd failed that simple task and he wasn't sure how he'd live with that.

Ren had fallen so deep into his own conscious, he had forgotten where he was, in the middle of a battle. The voices in his head seemed to scream so loudly that he hadn't even heard the soft broken cry of someone calling out to him. When he finally snapped out of his own internal conflict, the voice called out to him once more. For a split second he swore it was the sound of his mother pleading with him to come home but he shook the thought away before it could fully form. This voice was warmer, the sound of it calmed him and before he knew it, Kylo was smiling under his mask. He could feel your energy, hear your voice in his head. You were alive and his heart beat a little faster at the revelation. He took off running in your direction, dodging blasters and spears from either side, trusting the knights to keep the resistance scum off his back.   
\--  
Your lip quivered, tears falling from your eyes in joy, he was coming to get you. You forced your body off the ground, holding yourself up against a tree, weakly moving towards him. His focus was on you and only you, you could see it. He didn’t even turn his head to look for threats, his gaze set on you. 

You were almost within arms length of him when you saw the man, a pilot by the looks of it. Sneaking around the trees, his arm raising to shoot. A rush of adrenaline flooded your system, you saw Kylo, his arms reaching out towards you and you saw the pilot behind him reaching out towards Kylo.

You pulled Kylo towards you pushing into his chest as hard as you could, Ren tripped over his feet falling to the ground, looking up at you in confusion. You stared at him for half a second, before the shot rang out and you were thrown back. The blaster burned worse than anything you’ve ever felt, like an acid slowly eating away at your insides. 

This time, no amount of strength was able to keep you from screaming at the top of your lungs. Above you, Kylo stared in shock. She saved me. She took that shot for me. The words repeated in his head over and over as he kneeled next to you, putting pressure on the wound just under your ribs, blood pooled on the ground leaving your body quicker than he would have hoped. He needed to get you out of here. 

You breathed deeply, gasps and groans leaving your mouth every couple of seconds. Kylo had called to the knights, letting them take care of whatever was left of the resistance fighters while he focused on getting you to safety. 

He held you to his chest, running as quickly as his legs would allow, the shuttle wasn’t far now and his body filled with hope when it came into view. Truthfully, he figured it would probably have been better if he’d let one of the other medics take care of you but he felt this was his fault, you had done this to save him, he should return the favor. Mostly, he was terrified because you looked so pale and so tired and he wasn't sure if he could fix this.

He set you down on a cot in the shuttle, ripping his gloves off to find gauze and turn on his droid. Somehow, you were still vaguely conscious, watching him work. 

“Kylo.” You whispered.

“Don’t, save your energy.” He growled back.

“Kylo, please.” His hands paused, looking at you. 

“I’m not in great shape right now.”

“No…”

“And if I don’t make it-” 

“No, you’ll be fine. Ok. You have to be. You will be.” He was rambling now.

“Kriff, let me finish...If I don’t make it, i’d just like to ask one thing of you.” 

“Anything.”

“Let me see you.” Kylo’s hands flew up to his helmet immediately, nearly ripping it off and tossing it across the room, it almost made you laugh.

“Huh.” You stared at the raven haired man, he looked so familiar, but you assumed that in your delirious state, you were probably not thinking clearly. He also looked sad, and tired, but mostly sad, you wanted him not to be.

“Huh?” 

“I think you’re beautiful.” You whispered, closing your eyes.


	17. Ren is accepting.

You felt groggy and heavy, like weights rested on all your limbs. You tried to open your eyes but they seemed to be pried shut, failing to open on your command. You tried once more, managing to crack your eyes open before a blinding light forced you to snap them shut again, you groaned in aggravation.

Ren looked down at the girl, her brows scrunched together, her limbs lightly flailing. Of course, she was trying to get up. He wouldn’t have expected anything less. He laid a gentle hand on her arm, rubbing it soothingly.

“You shouldn’t move.” He murmured, trying not to startle her. She mumbled something back, the words coming out as more of a jumbled mess than anything else. She sighed, turning her face away from him, nodding off within a few seconds.

Kylo sat back down at the chair across from her, staring down at her battered body on the medical cot. They had gotten back to the base a few days ago, it was touch and go for a while. A bit too much for his liking.

He vividly remembered the tense moment when the machines stopped beating, her heart had stopped. Kylo had gripped onto a nearby table, feeling it crack between his fingers as his hand clenched down onto it in an attempt to steady himself. He felt guilty, she wouldn’t be in this situation if it hadn’t for him. He should have been watching his back, he should have sensed the shooter, but he hadn’t. He chose not to dwell on it for any longer, it would only upset him. Instead he focused on the better moments, like the way you smiled when you called him beautiful.

Beautiful. That’s what you’d said, not monstrous, not grotesque, you’d called him beautiful. Kylo felt strangely relieved, not that he needed you to be attracted to him but the acknowledgement made him happy nonetheless. Even in his own head, he realized he sounded ridiculous.

 _Kylo Ren, commander of the First Order, Jedi Killer, and also, beautiful._ He laughed quietly to himself looking back at you again. He had pulled the curtains around your cot so no one could look in. He already knew how suspicious it looked when he’d stumbled into the medical wing with your limp body in his arms rather than have the other medics from the failed mission take you instead. There was no doubt in his mind that the whole base had heard about it by now, he chose to ignore it though, as well as the rest of the galaxy. At the moment, all his attention was focused solely on you. The curtains around the two of you created a sort of cocoon, isolated from everything else, good and bad. Part of Kylo wished it could stay like this, just you and him but sooner or later you’d wake up and get better and he’d have to face reality.

Unfortunately, that came sooner rather than later. You woke up a few hours later, more conscious than you’d been several times before. You were finally able to sit up and eat a few bites of mushy dinner. Kylo sat silently by your bedside except to ask the doctor of your status when he’d come to check your vitals. They were able to use bacta on the worst of your wounds so you weren’t in mortal danger anymore but the risk of infection was still fairly high and you’d have to take antibiotics while your new skin grew beneath the burns and of course, the blaster wound. You frowned when they mentioned the scarring, how they weren’t able to do anything about it, Kylo noticed your sudden mood switch, covertly squeezing your hand to reassure you that it’d be alright. The doctor left you alone after that. The silence that hung in the air became awkward quickly and you turned to stare at Kylo’s helmet.

“How long have you been here?” He shrugged.

“Since we got back.”

“And when was that?” Your tone turned accusatory, making Kylo a bit nervous.

“3 days, maybe 4.” You groaned, frowning at him again.

“You need to get some sleep.”

“I have.”

“In that metal chair? You’re going to ruin your back.” Kylo just stared back at you before suddenly laughing. It was unexpected and it felt strange to him, he couldn’t remember the last time he had actually laughed. You continued to glare in his direction, your gaze softened after a moment. “What’s funny about that?” Kylo composed himself.

“You almost died, no, you did die, you took a blaster shot for me and nearly bled out and you’re worried that I’m going to hurt my back because I slept on a chair.”

“I guess that’s fair. But I’m serious, you need to get some actual sleep.”

“How are you feeling?”

“All things considered, better than I probably should.”  Kylo wasn’t sure where to go from here so he leaned back against his chair. “Thank you.” You muttered after a moment.

“What for?”

“I’m alive because of you.” You slid a hand over his gloved one, interlacing your fingers with his, Kylo’s own hand stayed stiff against yours. The guilt resurfaced within him, making his chest ache, he pulled away.

“You got hurt because of me.”

“That was my decision, Kylo, you had nothing to do with it. It was a split second decision...I just, I couldn’t watch you die so I did the only thing I could think of.” You blurted out, your face reddening at the admission. Even you were surprised by your words. Since when was Kylo’s life  more important to you than your own and why were you completely okay with that notion?

“I wish you wouldn’t have.” His voice was so quiet, you barely heard him. You reached a hand out towards him, opening the clasp on the left side of his mask, he followed suit, opening the other one. Slowly, he pulled it off, letting it fall to the floor refusing to lift his eyes to stare at your own. You brushed a hand down his cheek, relishing in the feeling of his warm skin against your fingertips.

“But I did, and we both have to live with that.” He finally met your eyes, his warm brown ones holding you in place. Everything about his presence brought your comfort and ease, something you wouldn’t have ever imagined. Kylo brought his hand up hesitantly, brushing unwashed hair away from your face delicately. He leaned in close, anxiously sighing before placing his mouth over yours. You returned his kiss with your own, wordlessly telling him that this was it, you had decided what you wanted and you had shown him that on the battlefield. Your actions were more of an admission than any words you could say to him and Kylo was accepting, you loved him and in his own way, he had chosen to love you back.


	18. Ren gets some.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITS BEEN SO LONG IM SORRY, Here's my failed attempt at smut, Elisha was across from me for three whole days watching me groan and scream while i wrote this but anyway, here you go!

You fell back against the cot they had set you up in, these things were a lot less comfortable than they looked, Kylo quickly noticed your discomfort. “Are you in pain?” You smiled at his voice, still not quite used to the melodic sound of it.

“I’m okay….” He narrowed his eyes at you. “I promise.” You reassured, laying your hand over his. Kylo seemed flustered by the action, nearly flinching away from you before clearing his throat and focusing on the curtains behind you. His behavior amused you for some reason, Kylo Ren did not seem like the type of man to get nervous, especially over a girl.

“Would you like….uhm, do you think you’re able to walk?” He managed to choke out. “I was just, wondering if you’d like to stay with me...in my room I mean.” 

“Kylo..” Your heart swelled at the blush on his face, it was sweet, the way he was trying to be so gentle with you, so normal.

“It’s alright if you don’t, I can have someone take you back to your quarters..” 

“Will you just look at me?” His warm eyes snapped to yours in an instant, you watched his shoulders immediately relax as he took a deep breath. “I’d love to stay in your quarters, however, I’m not exactly sure me and you walking to your room together would look great..you know, gossip.” 

“I’ll take care of it.” 

Taking care of it turned out to be Kylo ordering two stormtroopers to help you to his quarters and then using the force to wipe their memories of it. All things considered, you were almost impressed, almost. Kylo closed the door behind you, slipping the helmet off his face and letting it fall to the floor with a soft thud, his warm brown eyes turned to you, a small smile playing around at the corner of his lips. You found yourself getting lost in his gaze, staring up at him in near awe. He stepped forward, brushing stray hair from your face with a gloved hand so he could place a chaste kiss on your chapped lips. You leaned into him, not allowing him to break away from the kiss just yet. 

Within a few hazy moments, you found yourself against the wall, Kylo’s muscular arms holding you upright as you tried to catch your breath. His teeth roughly scraped down your neck, leaving purple marks down your throat. His tongue glided out of his mouth, licking your sensitive skin, eliciting a low groan from you as your arms came up clinging to his biceps in order to keep yourself upright. You could tell he was trying to be gentle with you, trying to savor the moment but his lust overpowered his self control and he found himself nearly clawing at you in a frenzy. 

His pupils blown wide with lust, he broke away from you, letting air fill his lungs before he met your eyes again, “I’m sorry, I..you probably need rest.” You pulled your legs together trying to get some sort of friction, the wetness between your legs was starting to get uncomfortable.

“I’ve slept for three days Kylo.” You joked, not quite ready to end the night yet. Kylo took the hint, pulling his gloves off and intertwining his fingers with yours. He led you further into his quarters, somewhere you had recently become weirdly familiar with, his bedroom. You opened your mouth to speak but Kylo beat you to it, silencing you with his mouth once more tugging hard onto your hair, eliciting a surprising growl from deep in your throat. 

Your hands shot up, pushing at his robes in a half-assed attempt to undress him, after a moment he obliged your silent request, pulling off his armor and outer robes haphazardly. He brought his hands to rest on your hips, slowly moving them up your torso, helping you remove your shirt. You tried not to wince when his fingertips brushed against your healing ribs. 

Kylo pushed off the wall, dragging you with him until his backside hit the bed, he sat down onto it pulling you onto his lap so you could straddle him. Without meaning to, you ground your hips against his hard length, a familiar warmth filled you as Kylo groaned against your shoulder. In the next moment, he stood you up again, undoing the buckle on your pants before sliding them down, his eyes tracing the revealed skin beneath them. Before you even processed what was happening, the both of you were unclothed, you took your time looking him over, committing every freckle and scar and line to your memory. You straddled him again, bringing your hands up to his face, his heated stare matched your own. “This, this is okay.” You reaffirmed. 

He entered you slowly, letting you bite down onto his shoulder at the small prick of pain before you adjusted to his size. He let you set the pace on top of him, not wanting to push you too far in your injured state, it took every ounce of his self control to keep from getting on top you and ravaging you until your throat was raw from screaming his name. tonight, he’d admire you and the quiet whimpers coming from your lips, he loved the sound of his name rolling off your tongue.


	19. Ren suggests a date

You awoke to the feeling of a slight pressure on you, opening your eyes slowly to find Kylo’s long limbs wrapped around you. At some point during the night you must have unconsciously gravitated closer to one another, his entire torso pressed against your back. 

You smiled, feeling drowsy and warm, letting yourself scoot closer to him, Kylo awoke feeling a warm body wiggling next to him. He opened an eye, peeking down at you and smiled, watching at you struggles to pull the thin blanket over your nude body. He lifted himself slightly, helping you adjust yourself. After a moment, you turned to look at him, reaching up lazily to press a soft kiss to his mouth. 

“Good morning.” You whispered.

“It sure is.”

“Did you sleep alright?” 

“Better than I have in a long time.” He tightened his arms around you, letting his head fall onto your shoulder, leaving light kisses there as he trailed up your collar bone towards your neck. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this way, light and, what was that feeling?

Happiness? Was that what it was? Strangely, he welcomed the sensation. He knew he wasn’t supposed to, that he shouldn’t allow himself to feel this way but when he looked down at you, at the smile on your lips and your head on his shoulder, all those thoughts melted away. 

You looked at the clock on his holopad, sitting up quickly when you realized how late you’d woken up. “Kriff, I’m late again.” You picked up your discarded shirt from the floor, throwing it clumsily over your nude body and getting out of the bed to look for your other garments. Kylo laughed quietly, pulling on your hand gently to get you to turn around. He held up your panties with an arrogant smile. You snatched them from his hand, cheeks heating up in the process. “Don’t you have places to be? Commander-esque things to do?” 

“Well that’s the thing about being Commander, I can get up whenever I please.” 

“Lucky you.” You replied sarcastically, managing to slip on your pants without much trouble. You made you way over to him, giggling at the way he wrapped himself into his sheet; he looked so small. You weren’t sure what to say now, do you talk about what happened, do you tell him you’ll see him later, or do you just leave? He got serious just then, sitting up in his bed letting the covers slip down to reveal his naked torso. 

“I hope...I didn’t overstep your boundaries.” He spoke hesitantly, your gaze on him softened, stepping closer to sit at the foot of the bed. Absentmindedly, you grabbed his hand, drawing invisible patterns on his skin. 

“You didn’t, I’m glad it happened, I don’t regret it or anything, I just…” Your voice faded out, not knowing how to phrase your next statement. “I guess, I just don’t know where we go from here Kylo.” He nodded his head, he knew what you were trying to say. And honestly, he wasn’t exactly sure himself. Supreme leader would not approve a relationship of any type and at the same time, he wasn’t willing to let you go. 

“I know what you mean, perhaps we could talk about it over dinner?” Your eyes widened in surprise.

“You’re asking me on a date?” 

“Well it’ll be here in my quarters and you don’t have to dress up or anything but I guess you could call it that...a date.” 

“O-Okay, I’ll see you tonight then.” You moved to stand but Kylo pulled you back startling you, you stared at him in confusion. Instead of answering, he placed his hands on either side of your face, leaning in to kiss you roughly, he pulled away leaving you dazed for a second.

“I didn’t want you to leave without that.” You found yourself at a loss for words simply smiling ridiculously as you made your way out of his room. Luckily the halls in this wing were empty and you were able to sneak into the medbay without anyone asking questions. Somewhere throughout the work day you began feeling sore again, not only had you ignored the doctors ordering of resting to heal your remaining injuries, you had full out done the opposite. Now your ribs were screaming at you for it; though you didn’t regret the night at all. 

You wondered for a moment how everything had turned so intimate in a matter of weeks. You were….dating Commander Ren. Was that the right word for it? Did commanders date? That’s not the point, you reminded yourself. No, the point was that you couldn’t see the future for the two of you. There would be no meeting the parents, no house with two adorable children, no wedding of any sort. And if you couldn’t have a life with him, what was left? A secret rendezvous every so often and then pretending you didn’t know each other in front of others? 

You needed to decide if you were willing to only have half of him at any given time. The problem was of course that you weren’t sure if you could live with not having him at all. 

Kylo on the other hand, hadn’t even really considered the situation, he was happy enough, happier than he’d ever been. It was foolish, for someone like him to not consider the consequences of this relationship but here he was anyway. For once in his life, Kylo Ren wanted to run away, to not have to face the harsh reality of his life. He hadn’t admitted it yet but he was sure that he’d give anything to keep you, even if it meant turning his back on what was meant to be his destiny.


	20. Hux makes an appearance.

You were feeling anxious, more anxious than you usually felt at work. Truthfully, the thought of dinner with Kylo made you nauseous, it’s not like you didn’t want to see him you just didn’t want to talk about your relationship. Labels made things complicated, the two of you would be perfectly fine staying in your little bubble of happiness, why ruin that? You grew frustrated with your thoughts, deciding that it was a great time to get something to eat. 

You made your way over to the cafeteria, officers and stormtroopers sat sporadically around the room, talking amongst themselves. You found a secluded seat, digging into whatever bland mush they had today, you would think the first order with all their power and money would have food that is at least half edible but for the most part the food they served was tasteless and rubbery. You sat there for a long while moving the nutrient filled square around your plate after you’d decided you couldn’t stomach any more of it. By the time you looked up again, most of the room had become empty. 

To your surprise, the general himself with his wild red hair and familiar sneer walked into the room. He grabbed a tray glaring down at it as if the food had offended him in some way and then he looked up locking eyes with you. A small smirk appeared on his face, one that made you nervous. He made his way over, you hoped he was looking at someone else, that maybe he wasn’t coming directly towards you at all, but it seemed your luck had run out.

General Hux sat across from you, casually biting into his sandwich as he stared at you pointedly. For a moment all you could do was stare at his plate. Where had he gotten that? Fresh vegetables, warm bread? Your eyes glided over to the food counter but there sat the tub of mush you had just ingested. Of course he’d get special treatment, he’s a general. It made you hate him just a little bit more than usual. 

You sat wordlessly holding your breath, waiting for some sort of explanation for this unusual seating arrangement. “So what’s the deal?”

“Sir?”

“With you and Ren, what’d you do to him?” The words sent a jolt through your body, how did he know?

“I don’t know what you-”

“Listen, he hasn’t destroyed a console in weeks, hasn’t maimed any stormtroopers, after the failed mission on Corellia, I had prepared the base for one of his temper tantrums but instead I was told he spent 3 whole days in the medbay, with you. Whatever you’re doing, drugging him or brainwashing him or whatever, it’s making my life a whole lot easier.”

“Uh..thank you, general, sir.” 

“Yes well, I’m sure supreme leader Snoke will be very interested with the progress Ren is making. If he were to ask, what should I tell him of Ren’s treatment?”

“His treatment?”

“Well you are his doctor, aren’t you?” 

“Oh, I- yeah, yes sir. I am. I guess you could tell..supreme leader Snoke that the commander is doing better because….he has found ways to relieve stress...getting more rest and all that.” You stuttered out. 

“That’s your professional opinion?”

“It is sir.” Hux nodded to himself, looking you over curiously, you couldn’t tell if he was suspicious or not but he seemed to accept your answer. He got up after a few moments, finishing the last of his meal and tossing it out. He turned back towards you.

“I expect to be notified if there are any changes, y/l/n.” You nodded at him, watching his retreating form as you put your own tray away. You certainly weren’t excited to explain this little meeting to Kylo, more than that you felt almost, scared. You weren’t an important figure in the first order but even you knew of supreme leader Snoke and of his powers and his control over Kylo. You were scared because you worried Snoke would figure it out, that maybe he’d make Kylo leave you, or worse. 

You had a few hours to spend before meeting with Kylo, deciding it was probably a good time to visit your quarters. You hadn’t been there since before the mission, it felt strange to be back. It’d only been about a week and yet stepping into the room felt awkward, like these things weren’t yours, like you were a different person when you were last here. And that was somewhat true, a lot of things had happened in the last few days, things that would change almost anyone. 

You hopped into your refresher, being careful when taking off your clothes since your ribs were still not in great shape. You stared at your reflection, the person in the mirror was barely familiar to you. You were bruised, your entire torso looked like someone had hit you repeatedly with a sledgehammer. A number of smaller bruises trailed up your neck, your blushed at those running your fingers over the marks from your night with Kylo. It reminded you of your upcoming ‘date’ with him. Before you knew it, an hour and a half had passed you by, the water had long since run cold but you couldn’t bring yourself to leave just yet. You finished shut the water off, letting yourself air dry while you picked out a suitable outfit. You pulled on a monochrome black First Order uniform. It was just loose pants and a long sleeve shirt, but it would have to do, plus you were hoping this would make you less noticeable as you walked through the halls of the base. 

Thankfully, no one seemed to be out and about right now anyway, you figured they all went to dinner. You hadn’t even knocked on Kylo’s door before it opened. He was further into the room, sitting on his couch looking down at his holopad, he set it down when you stepped inside.   
“I ordered dinner, I hope you’re okay with bantha steak.” 

“I’ve never tried it, never had the money to try bantha.” Kylo nodded, inviting you over to take a seat with him, you did so hesitantly. You weren’t sure why but you felt oddly unsure and even a bit anxious to be here with him now.

“I can feel your uncertainty you know.” He murmured, reaching out for your hand, his was so much bigger than your own but he interlaced your fingers with his anyway. His thumb traced shapes on your wrist, you watched the motion instead of him. 

“Should I not be?” Kylo opened his mouth but found that he had nothing to say, it’s not like you were wrong. 

“I care about you...if that wasn’t obvious,” He struggled to construct a sentence, voicing his feelings was something he had never been very good with, “And I would like to continue seeing you..if that’s what you want.” You smiled slightly, lifting your head to meet his wistful eyes. 

“It is, Kylo. But you’re the commander and I’m just some medic you know...we can’t have a normal relationship, we can’t be seen together, not without repercussions. Not to mention Hux knows something is going on and he’s going to tell supreme leader whatever his name is and I jus-”

“He what?” Kylo’s expression hardened at the mention of Hux and his superior. You were thrown off by his sudden change in demeanor.

“Hux said he’s noticed your recent...behavior and that it has something to do with me. That’s all.” Ren nodded, putting that bit of information away for the moment. 

“You’re right. Our relationship won’t be normal..but perhaps things can change, we could go somewhere...off world, where no one knows us.” Your eyes widened.

“Are you suggesting we run away? Kylo we can’t, the entire galaxy would be looking for you.” He started laughing, actually laughing.

“I wasn’t suggesting an escape, think of it more as a vacation.” He leaned back, pulling you into his chest. “Would you like that? A day or two away, no Commander Ren, no duties, no First Order, just us.” He whispered the last two words, leaving a gentle kiss on your forehead. 

“I guess that would be okay.” Your worries had been settled, at least for now. A vacation, a break sounded like a good idea. You didn’t think it then but subconsciously you knew eventually you would have to consider what it would feel like when you got away from the First Order, even for a few hours. What if you decided you didn’t want to come back?


	21. Ren goes home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIRST OF ALL let me just say i'm sorry i haven't updated in a month my writers block is a bitch, secondly HAPPY NEW YEAR YALL, thirdly i fucking loved the last jedi and ben solo is the love of my life bye, anyway here you go love yall see you soon hopefully.

Kylo spent about 12 cycles figuring out exactly how to ensure that you and him could go off world without raising any suspicion. The usual thorn in Kylo's side, a very feisty ginger, didn't have much to say about this upcoming 'mission' except that he expected a full report by the time Ren's Tie Silencer landed back on base.

  
"Oh and Ren?" Kylo paused, irritated, "Try to bring back my medics in one piece this time." He didn't respond, instead stomping down the hallway towards his quarters. Kylo spoke briefly about the upcoming trip more or less just details on what sorts of clothes to bring and how many cycles you needed to pack for. Ren wasn't sure why but when he'd first thought about the prospect of a 'vacation' his first thought was to take you to Chandrila, to show you his birthplace. And that thought itself confused him even further because there was nothing left for him there, not his friends, or his parents, not a single artifact from his past; and yet the planet called to him.

  
He made his way to his ship shutting himself in away from prying eyes. BB-9E beeped away at him annoyingly but he ignored the small droid in favor of doing a systems check to make sure the silencer was in good condition to travel. He prided himself just a little with how well he took care of it, every pilot knew the feeling. While the command shuttle was also technically his, Kylo never let anyone else lay a hand on the silencer. He spent months looking for an instruction manual in basic so he could teach himself how to repair it, and ever since he'd been doing just that. When he was little his father had tried to teach him these things while aboard the Falcon but he had been more focused on training at the jedi temple to commit any of it to memory. His mood soured at the thought of his father.  
\--  
Kylo hadn't given you much in terms of instructions, he gave you a place and a time, the hangar bay at 0900 hours but had failed to mention which of the hundreds of ships you'd be flying in. You found yourself wandering around for quite some time turning your head every which way in search of a shiny black helmet. Finally, you spotted the familiar hunched shoulders looking down and sorting through a box of some sort, his helmet shielded the seemingly permanent frown he always wore. He seemed to sense you as you walked closer, snapping his head up in your direction. He nodded, his version of a greeting, you understood, it's not like he could kiss you here.

  
You followed him up the steps, noticing the slight differences in detail between his ship and standard issue Tie fighters, the interior of the ship seemed to be an extension of himself, or rather the costume he wore while others were around.

  
You set your small bag down in a cubbie near the door, securing it before making your way towards the seat directly adjacent to the pilot's seat, Kylo was already preparing for take-off. He slid off his helmet only after you'd left the base setting it down on the floor, his attention directed towards the sky. Once you’d jumped into hyperspace, he was able to turn his attention towards you.

“Have you ever been to Chandrila?”

“We’re going to a planet in the Republic? Won’t that be dangerous?” Kylo hadn’t considered that, he nodded anyway.

“It’s where I was born.” He replied simply, you stared at him for a long while, intrigued with this miniscule piece of information. You’d never really given much thought to Kylo’s origins or the man he was before the first order, though it hardly mattered now. But now that he had said it, you realized you wanted to know more. Truthfully, you wanted to know every little thing about him. He couldn’t give you that, not everything, but he gave you enough to know him, the real him.

From what you’d heard of Chandrila, it was a peaceful planet as were it’s inhabitants, though over the years it’d been home to rebel bases and the capital of the New Republic. You were fairly sure the Hosnian system took over the title some years back. Now it seemed the planet was neutral, not choosing sides in what seemed like a never ending war.

“Did you grow up there?”

“We moved around a lot, my parents..my mother, her job required constant relocation.” He didn’t elaborate and you guessed it was probably a hard subject for him to talk about, if the look on his face was anything to go by. He landed the ship away from the city, away from prying eyes. You could only imagine what hell would come raining down if someone got word to the resistance that a first order ship had landed here. Kylo got up first, grabbing your bag as well as his and stepping out of the ship without a glance back. You took that as your cue to follow after him.

Outside, you found yourself surrounded by trees, although they were unlike anything you’d seen in the galaxy. You weren’t sure if your eyes were playing tricks on you but you swore some of the trees seemed to glow. Kylo walked ahead down an old path, roots and weeds had grown over most of it but he seemed to know where he was going even when the path disappeared under the forestry. This time, you managed not to trip which you were silently grateful for.

Up ahead you saw a structure of some sort, as you got closer, the details of it came into view. It wasn’t big, but it sat two stories high, made of stone with vines climbing up the sides of the house on either side. Your first thought was that it looked..empty. An abandoned home in the middle of nowhere. As you neared the front steps, you came to realize that houses surrounded it off to the side, there must have been at least ten of them from what you could see. Each in the same state of disrepair as the one Kylo had gone into. It didn’t take a genius to guess why he knew where it was, his childhood home. Your heart swelled at the realization, no boy had ever taken you home before. While this wasn’t exactly meeting the parents or anything, it was still a part of him very few got to see or experience. You found him in the kitchen, your things placed on the old rickety table.

He seemed suspiciously silent and you weren’t sure what to say to him, so you wandered. You noted the empty picture frames in an otherwise normal home. No that wasn’t right, a home had memories, marks on the walls showing how much you’d grown that year, dents in the floor from when you’d accidentally thrown a ball too hard while playing, worn out furniture from spending too much time there with your family. Nothing about the home seemed lived in, moreso a facade, the idea of what a family is supposed to look like if you’re on the outside looking in. It told you more about Kylo than he ever could. You walked back into the kitchen.

“Would it be possible to go into town? I mean, would anyone recognize you?”

“Everyone I knew here is long gone.” A hint of melancholy reached his voice but he shook it off. “We should change.” You nodded, looking down at your standard issue uniform, that would definitely have to go. You’d only packed a few things, and because the weather here was considerably better than the base you decided on a simple blue sundress, if this was a vacation you were going to take advantage of it.

Kylo had left the house by the time you were ready, he was standing outside muttering under his breath while he inspected a speeder he’d found beside the house. You had to stop for a moment when you saw him, unaware that he even owned civilian clothing. A long flowing white shirt and black pants. His hair was wind swept, giving him the look of any ordinary person you’d pass on the street. It surprised you how easily it was to picture him like that, just a normal guy at home with his wife. The perfect scene. You let yourself imagine that life with him and it hurt just enough that you threw the thought from your mind. It was foolish to think such unrealistic thoughts. Eventually Kylo got the old machine to work, laughing at it proudly while you watched from the porch. He offered a hand to you, inviting you to sit behind him. You latched your arms around his waist and gave him your okay.

Hanna City was a lively place, vibrant colors dotted the cities building and it’s native wildlife. You felt anxious at first, maybe Kylo had been wrong and someone would spot him, after all the city was covered in rebel sigils and symbols but he seemed relaxed so you tried to do the same. He let you wander off several times, watching you carefully and at the same time enjoying the sight of you gushing over the many sights in the city. It was just past midday which meant most people were out and about. Though Chandrila was technically a republic planet, it held a special place in his heart.

The native people, as well as the tourists, they seemed so unbothered, so oblivious to the carnage and fighting that permeated through the galaxy, much of which he had been responsible for. He couldn’t escape the guilt forever but here and now as he cherished the smile on your face and the small twinkle in your eyes every time you saw something new, he could push the feeling away, for you.

Eventually, once you’d settled down a bit, Kylo had grabbed hold of your hand interlacing his fingers with yours. He seemed to be leading you somewhere and you let him, spotting a large sign up ahead, ‘Junari Point’. Several sets of stairs later you looked out at the ocean just as the sun set above the sky. You stopped walking to watch the sky as it changed colors from hues of red and yellow to blue and pink. Kylo let go of your hand, stopping just behind you to lay his head on your shoulder, wrapping his arms around your waist as he looked at you.

“It’s beautiful.”  

“It is.” His eyes never left your face. The city lit up behind you just as the sun fell below the waves of the sea. Just ahead of you a crowd of people emerged from the bars as gentle music began to play. You were tempted but you weren’t sure how Kylo would respond. Apparently, he had already thought of it. “That’s a bad idea.”

“Oh come on, no one is going to think Kylo Ren is dancing on a beach.”

“That’s not what i’m worried about.” You unlatched yourself from him.

“Then why not?”

“Because.” He looked..embarrassed.

“Kylo Ren, Commander of the First Order, are you telling me that you don’t know how to dance?” He avoided your eyes, staring at the dark waves ahead of you watching as they fell again and again. “You don’t know how to dance, seriously?”

“I didn’t say that, I know how to dance. Just..not well.”

“Oh maker, just come on.” This time you grabbed his hand dragging him along with you, though he didn’t put up much of a fight, you turned back giggling at the terrified look on his face. “It’s not going to kill you, promise.” The music had slowed down considerably, you placed your hands around his neck barely having to stand on your tiptoes to do so, he tentatively pulled you against him, swaying to the sound of string instruments blowing through the air.


	22. Ren says it first

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The calm before the storm.

Kylo obliged you, swaying back and forth with you in his arms. After a while he found that he was enjoying himself, not so much the dancing but the experience and you. Especially you. Here on a beach at sunset with a beautiful woman smiling at him he could pretend that this was his life, a civilian on a meaningless planet. He watches you sway and twirl and laugh, a slight breeze swung your hair around wildly and you moved to the tune of the song. Mostly he stood there awkwardly letting you enjoy yourself while he enjoyed you. 

He’d held in one thought for a while now and it seemed to poke and prod him the more he tried to avoid it. But here, he was carefree, unbothered and he knew he couldn’t ignore his feelings any longer. He was in love with you, at least he thought so because he’d never felt this way in his entire life. Sure he’d hooked up before, he’d been attracted to several people in his life but looking back at it now, those were all encounters out of convenience. You weren’t just a way for him to pass the time rather he wanted all of his time to be spent with you. 

He leaned down, his baritone voice struggling to speak louder than the music without completely yelling into your ear , “Do you wanna head back?” You shook your head, slipping your hand into his and leading him away from the crowd of people towards the shore. You slipped off your shoes letting your toes dig into the soft white sand, Kylo watched from behind you curious to see what you were doing. You let go of his hand lowering yourself to the ground raising your knees up and looking out at the dark waves. After a moment, Kylo slumped down beside you, wrapping on arm over your shoulders allowing you to rest your head on him. You listened to the steady sound of his breath as the waves crashed down simultaneously finding the moment to be almost mesmerizing, you closed your eyes and took a deep breath trying to enshrine every piece of this moment into your memory. You moved forward a bit, Kylo’s face falling into the crook of your shoulder. 

You blinked, the waves crashed down again, “I love you” he whispered against the side of your neck. The waves crashed down again you turned to stare at him, he fidgeted with a loose button on his shirt ignoring your gaze as if those words hadn’t just tumbled out of his mouth without a second thought. You continued to stare waiting for ebony locks to part and reveal those telling eyes of his, sometimes they seemed to say more to you than his words did. But he didn’t turn, he continued to stare out into the water. You could feel your heart beating wildly playing the words over in your head, the soft cadence in which he uttered them as if he desperately wanted to say it and at the same time was terrified that you’d hear him. 

You weren’t sure how long you sat there with him but by the time you stood and offered him your hand, no light remained in the sky instead all the stars in the galaxy looked down on the two of you. Kylo remained quiet on the journey back to the house, you thought maybe he had a lot on his mind but mostly he didn’t want to ruin the moment or rather the whole night. He didn’t want to remind himself or you that this wasn’t forever, eventually he’d have to put the mask back on and step back into his role; figuratively and literally. It seemed no matter how far he ran, the rope around his neck tightened dragging him back into Snoke’s hands. Now more than ever he found himself questioning his place in the galaxy. If this was freedom why did he feel shackled to a cause he hardly believed in. 

He’d spent practically his entire adult life believing he and he alone needed to save the galaxy from the Republic’s backward ways and he’d fought hard for it but maybe it was because he had nothing to lose then. Kylo took you to bed with clouded thoughts hoping that getting lost in you would somehow clear his mind.

\--  
The next day followed similarly, and the one after that as well. Soon you realized your days of escaping reality were coming to a quick end. The mission you were meant to be on with Ren, the one he’d told Hux about was ending tomorrow. You’d be back on base in less than 24 hours and the thought of returning didn’t sit well with you. What was the point in going back, you were happy here, content. You turned your body discreetly to stare at Kylo’s sleeping form beside you. He was different here, unbothered, you could sense that he dreaded leaving just as much as you did. 

He began to stir, groaning as the light through the windows blinded him, he turned back towards you entangling himself with your limbs, he lazily kissed your cheek still halfway asleep. 

“What time is it?” 

“About noon.” You giggled pulling away from him as he tried to pull you impossibly closer. “We should probably get out of bed, don’t you think?” He groaned again, shutting his eyes tighter in protest.

“Mm, no it’s warm.” You laughed at his childish behavior finally able to slip out of his grasp and out of the bed, you took the sheet with you wrapping it around your nude body as you made your way to the refresher, behind you the bed creaked as Kylo got up following behind you. You stepped into the refresher letting the sheet fall at your feet, pulling the curtain aside, warm water fell over your sore body soothing your fatigued muscles. You felt him before you heard him, his hands gliding over your abdomen to wrap around you. 

“I see you finally decided to get up.” In more ways than one apparently, but you kept that thought to yourself. 

“Something caught my eye I guess.” You felt your face redden, somewhere within the last few days, a flirtatious side of him had come out and you were absolutely loving it. It seemed you were seeing new facets of his personality everyday, each time he opened up to you it became easier to imagine a future with him. At first you’d been hesitant, only because he appeared to be someone who didn’t have time or even care for things like relationships but the last three days had shown you that he was something else entirely, a man you’d fallen for without even really trying. 

Kylo could tell you were in deep thought, he didn’t steal a look into your mind, he didn’t need too. Your feelings radiated off of you in waves, comforting him, he pulled a bar of soap off the shelf nearest him lathering you in it, washing away the dirt and grime from your adventures through the forest yesterday. 

He particularly enjoyed your excitement at his childhood swing. It was nothing more than a piece of wood hanging from a large branch strapped together with spare rope. His mother had helped him construct it, she’d hoped it would capture his attention for at least some time while she dealt with political business. Ben had been a very energetic child, taking him to meetings had been disastrous as he’d sometimes crawl under tables and pinch other generals and officers while they spoke to his mother. She’d hear him giggling at her feet, wrapping his arms around her legs and hugging her when she tried to stand up. He remembered those moments fondly and obliged you when you asked him to push you on the rickety swing. It’d been some time since he last used it, long before he left for his training with Skywalker so he wasn’t sure how sturdy it was. He pushed you cautiously, eyeing the branch above you as it groaned under your weight. Eventually, you’d distracted him with your harmonious laughter as the wind flew through your hair obstructing your vision while you swung back and forth. 

In another second your laughter turned into a sudden yelp as the rope on your left side snapped causing you to fall unceremoniously to the ground dirtying your red dress. Kylo made his way to you quickly, checking for injuries. You laid on your back staring up, unspeaking. He grew concerned. After taking a steadying breath you unexpectedly laughed, and then continued to until Kylo was laughing as well. When it finally quieted down, he helped you up brushing dirt off of you, leaning down to place a kiss to your forehead, “I think that’s enough adventure for the day.”

Kylo snapped out of his memory at the sound of your voice, “You look like you’ve got something on your mind.” 

“Just you.” You leaned your head on his chest.

“You have to stop doing that.” 

“Doing what?” He smirked down at you, you lifted your head to meet his cocky smile.

“Making me fall in love with you.” Now it was him blushing, he inhaled sharply looking almost nervous when he met your eyes. You hadn’t brought up his admission on the beach that first day, you internally acknowledged it but you hadn’t mentioned it to him. This was your way of telling him that you were accepting and that those feeling were returned. Kylo hid his face from you bending lower so he could lean his head on your shoulder as you continued to wash yourself. You don’t notice the few tears that roll down your shoulders, Kylo quickly wipes his eyes reaching for some hair product. He doesn’t know where the sudden burst of emotion comes from, all he can really think about is that he’s happy. 

“I need to tell you something.” He blurts suddenly. You look at him curiously, his whole face has gone red in embarrassment. 

“You can tell me anything.”

“My name..” Your eyebrows raise,“My name is Ben..my real name.” 

“Like-”

“Like the technician yes.” For half a second you let that sink in and then your lips turn up in a smile and you laugh. It was hard not to see the irony of it all, apparently Kylo, or ben, thought so too. He joined in with you. When the feeling had passed, you sighed in content, leaning back onto him. 

“Should I call you that?” 

“When we’re alone you can..if you want.”

“Okay...Ben.” You’re not sure the name suits him but you love the way he holds you tighter after you’ve said it.

\--

Boarding the tie silencer is a silent exchange between you and him, there’s a sadness in the air that hangs between you but neither of you voice it. It’s time to go home you remind yourself. No, that’s not right, home is not the first order, it’s not a place to you either. You decide that home is wherever he is. It’s a silly thought but it brings you comfort.

“You ready?” He asked, flipping switches before strapping himself into the pilot’s seat. You sit beside him watching as the small village floats further and further from your vision.

“I guess.”


	23. Ren loses something.

They say you get a feeling, some say it’s intuition, maybe it’s the force. But they say you get a feeling when something terrible is about to happen. You were never really a trust your gut type of person mostly because it never worked out in your favor so it was no surprise that you woke up the next morning in your own bed and carried on with your routine even when something told you not too. It was like every cell in your body was begging for you to stop, to abort mission and turn around. You ignored it. 

It had been quite a while since you’d been in the medbay or rather working in the medbay instead of being the patient. Things seemed fairly the same, though most of the nurses kept their distance from you. Apparently it had gotten around that you were Commander Ren’s personal medic, it basically made you a pariah among the rest of the base. That tended to happen to anyone associated with Ren, his technicians, assistants, officers directly under his command; they all become excommunicated from their peers.

You didn’t mind the silence, it helped you focus on your work. The paperwork had piled up while you’d been absent from your post and you were practically overjoyed with only having this to do for the rest of the day. Most people hated it yourself included, but you’d decided you needed some boring monotonous work after the few weeks you’d recently had. Patient forms were always filled out electronically for everyone’s convenience but since you were also given the task of filling out your own patient forms from the many injuries you had sustained on Corellia in addition to a mission report, you knew those needed to be filled out by hand as per regulation. 

The uncomfortable feeling from this morning persisted, you continued to push it down trying to bottle it up for a later time. After several hours of meticulous writing, your datapad buzzed in front of you. You turned it over to find a messenger address you weren’t familiar with, you opened the file anyway. 

‘This is unconventional...but I missed you. Ben.’ You read the message again laughing to yourself before proceeding to respond.

‘Please tell me you didn’t hack the First Order mainframe to send me a secret message.’

‘I didn’t. I had someone else do it.’ You shook your head.

‘I’m only a ten minute walk away, you know.’

‘I’ll be in the Finalizer command center all day. .’ You were surprised that he’d gone off base without telling you.

‘That’s fair. Anything important going on?’

‘Hux is giving a speech later…’ Well that was certainly new. It was rare that Hux addressed the entire staff unless the base was under attack or for relocations. You wondered if that was the reason today, would they finally send you to a base that wasn’t built on a frozen tundra? 

‘Hmm, well I guess I’ll see you the next time you get yourself impaled or shot.’

‘You sound hopeful.’

‘Don’t worry, I miss you too Ben.’

‘Spend the night with me, after your shift.’

‘Is that a request or an order?’

‘It’s always up to you’ You set the data pad off to the side, a warmth spreading through your chest at Ben’s constant reassurance in your relationship. You sped through your paperwork quickly moving at a fast walk towards the starkiller command center to give Hux your reports. You found that when you finally made it there the halls were suspiciously quiet, you were especially surprised that you hadn’t passed a single stormtrooper on your way there. 

You then remembered the speech your secret messenger had mentioned and stopped in your tracks groaning in irritation. Hux probably wouldn’t be back until tomorrow morning if he was planning to fly up to the Finalizer to meet with Kylo which meant you’d walked all the way down here for nothing, great. But instead of walking back towards your quarters, you found yourself drifting forward towards the command center as if an invisible force called to you. 

Down the black tiled hallway you could make out a group of higher ranked officers staring through the large window looking out onto the dense and snowy landscape. It’s usual bland color had changed and instead, as far as you could see out of the window everything was red and it seemed to only grow brighter as you walked closer. No one in the room was paying attention to you, instead their eyes were glued to the sky just as yours were as the mysterious light continued to rise and cover the sky, nearly blinding you. Subconsciously the light felt ominous to you, like nothing good could come from it but it was like a gruesome accident, you couldn’t look away from it. 

In another moment, the entire base seemed to begin shaking, it was faint but it was there in the small rattling of loose wires and in the way officers spread their feet to steady themselves. The vibrations grew transforming into a sort of rumble before the whole sky turned a blinding white and a beam of red light shot out across the sky; from your position at the window you could see its trajectory. You weren’t much of a geographer but anyone in the galaxy knew what the Hosnian System looked like. 

You watched the red beam break off into sections and you briefly wondered if this could all be a nightmare before you watched the missiles hit their targets. You watched in horror as the Republic planets ripped apart at the seems. As the officers and assorted personnel began to cheer, you on the other hand listened for the sounds of millions of voices being suddenly silenced. Your eyes filled with tears as you made your way out of the room as quickly as you could, you avoided the eyes of everyone you passed. You just needed to get away. You made it to your quarters in record time, slamming the door and falling against it. Only then did you let yourself cry, pressing a hand against your mouth so no one could hear your sobs. 

How could they do this? All those people, innocent civilians murdered for the crime of simply living on a republic planet. You stared at your shaking hands for no real reason other than to try and ground yourself. They were murderers, every one of them. And you, you had helped. You had aided the first order and the blood of millions of people were just as much on your hands as the very person that ordered the attack in the first place. 

You stared at your hands, watching the tears fall onto them, trying to keep them from shaking. You had spent so long trying to convince yourself they weren’t monsters that the first order wasn’t a corporation that only brought terror and death to the galaxy but no amount of love could make you forget that Ben, no, Kylo was a murderer. Ben was good and loving, he was the person you could see yourself growing old with on some faraway planet in the outer rim. But this war, all of the death and pointless suffering, no happy life could be lived through this, you knew that. You were fooling yourself with the hope that it could work, that you’d ever be able to love someone who killed for a living. 

Without a second thought, you stood, rushing to your closet and pulling out any piece of clothing that reached your outstretched hand, reaching under your old bed you pulled out an old duffel bag, generally it would carry medical supplies but it would have to do for now. You shoved clothes in haphazardly pushing them down until you couldn’t fit anymore. You took a deep breath, it would probably be a good time to consider the gravity of what you were doing but all you could think about was just getting away. Getting as far as you could from this place. From him. 

You wiped away stray tears, brushed your hair down and put on your best uniform. Making your way through the hangar bay was simple, pilots were coming in and out constantly. You held your head high walking straight towards a tie fighter, a pilot stood next to it, a novice from the looks of him. What mattered is that you outranked him, he wouldn’t question your motives. 

“Pilot, what’s your assignment?”

“Oh I just came from the finalizer ma’am, I was transporting officers.”

“I’m supposed to be en route for a mission on Coruscant per General Hux’s orders but it seems my transportation has been compromised.” 

“I can take you! I’m sure General Hux wouldn’t want you to be late.”

“Yes, well we’ll have to take a concealed ship, they have known republican affiliation, and after today’s events, I would rather not run into Republic sympathizers.” The pilot nodded, leading you further into the warehouse of assorted ships the first order kept on hand. You let the tension fall from your shoulders surprised that he’d bought it, even more so at yourself for pulling it off. An uncomfortable feeling filled your chest the closer you got to the ship. You wondered if he would understand why you had to go, if he’d feel betrayed or angry. Would he hunt you down like so many others who fled the first order? Would you be nothing but a traitor to him? 

At the moment, you were strapping yourself into the co-pilot’s chair believing that none of it mattered, that you could leave without ever looking back.


	24. Ren is there, even when he's not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a bit different but I like really really enjoyed writing it, the next chapter will most likely be a bit of changing perspectives or seeing things from Ren's point of view. Anyway enjoy!
> 
> *Also all this new Kylo footage/adam BTS is giving me LIFE.

 

The young pilot smiled at you as he closed his ship, flying back towards wherever he was needed. A small part of you felt guilty for what would probably happen to him once it was discovered that you escaped. He’d dropped you just outside the city, the landing dock was mostly empty, a few scattered ships in the distance. You hopped down moving towards the trees, the faster you were out of sight the better. As soon as you were sure no one was in your vicinity, you ripped the uniform off, throwing the black garments into nearby bushes, you pulled out civilian clothing, checking your bag to double check that nothing with first order insignia could be seen. First and foremost, all ties needed to be severed, the thought brought a sharp pain along with it. 

_ You can do this, It’s going to hurt but you can do it. It’s for the best.  _ His voice whispered reassurances as you walked towards the nearest inhabited zone you could see over the tree line, ironic, considering he was the one you were running from. The quiet of the woods gave you time to think, to really let it sink in. But you didn’t want to think, you didn’t want to dwell on how drastically everything had changed in just a few hours. You remembered the last time you’d kissed him, it was on the trip home just before you’d landed back on base. The tie silencer was on autopilot, Kylo mostly stared out the window watching as the galaxy flew by at lightspeed, every so often he’d glance at you, a smile playing at his lips. 

“What?”

“Hmm?” He acted oblivious.

“Why are you looking at me?” 

“I enjoy looking at you.” You blushed, locking eyes with him. Kylo leaned forward brushing a stare hair away from your face, “I enjoy just about everything about you.” 

“Just about?” You asked, pretending to be offended. His smile grew, he leaned closer. Your eyes shut just before soft lips pressed against your own. You sighed against his mouth, the familiar sensation brought you comfort. He deepened the kiss a moment later, both of his hands coming up to cradle your face delicately. You pulled away first, taking a long breath. 

“Probably shouldn’t get carried away…” He moved back to his spot across from you, a healthy distance, if you were any closer he isn’t sure he could resist touching you, even with the starkiller base in sight. He grew progressively more agitated each time he remembered this whole thing had to remain a secret. You’d discussed it on more than one occasion and each time it ended the same; something truly terrible would happen if others found out. Neither of you were willing to risk it. He settled for turning his chair to reach out and intertwine your fingers with his, this way, no one would see. 

You shook the memory off, shoving both hands in your pockets forcefully, you refused to acknowledge the wetness on your cheeks.  _ You can survive this.  _

“I don’t need you.” You whispered, willing the voice to leave but you suspected it would stick around for a while to haunt you. You almost laughed at the whole situation, continuing down a small dirt path finding that it turned to gravel the further you went. Where could you go from here, getting a job would be a nightmare. Your name would be in the system, you’d come up as missing or worse, potential employers would avoid you or turn you in. You didn’t have money, or a ship so flying to some deserted outer rim planet was out of the question, for now. You stopped walking slumping against a tree. 

The problem with split second decisions, you have to deal with the consequences of acting impulsively. And hell, you were in a bad spot right now. It occured to you that the pilot could tell anyone where he’d dropped you. Dammit. 

_ You know where to go, trust your instincts.  _ You wanted to tell him to shut up, but then you’d feel even crazier than you already did. An idea struck you, an idiotic one. Like you’d said, Coruscant had Republic ties, someone would know how to get in contact with the resistance. And perhaps they’d just kill you on sight and right now you felt like you’d probably deserve that but they were your only viable option at this point. And if they turned out to be power hungry killers, you’d run from them too. 

_ You really thought this one out.  _ His voice bordered on the edge of mocking now. As a doctor you had to wonder if this was all just part of the shock, a way for your subconscious to make sense of recent events, to keep you calm. You shrugged, it was better than nothing. You got up again, continuing on your journey. 

By nightfall, you’d make it to a cantina in some city you’d never heard of. The place was loud, crowded, and full of people in mourning. The atmosphere in the bar told you that news had traveled, the galaxy knew what had become of the Hosnian system’s defiance of the First order. You sat at one end of the main bar, avoiding eye contact with everyone partly from guilt, mostly because you didn’t want to accidentally make any enemies right now. After several moments, a glass hit your fingers, you looked up curiously. 

“You look like you lost someone, this one’s on the house, we all need it today.” Around you, a few people raised their glasses, some whispering names of those lost, some staring solemnly at their empty glasses. You nodded in thanks, chugging the bitter drink. Maybe it would help. The bartender returned to other customers, a sad smile permanently etched on his face. 

Eventually, the cantina started to empty out, a few stragglers hung around in smoky corners, making deals and talking in hushed voices. At one point or another a man had come over taking a seat three seats down from yours, holding the bartender’s attention for quite a while. You could hear bits and pieces of their conversation.

“Just came from Kanata’s place..completely destroyed, they called in reinforcements.” The man growled.

“So many losses today, too many. I thought the destruction of the empire would put a stop to this, and still the First Order hangs over our heads like nooses waiting to be tied. I’m afraid the rope will only get tighter.” The bartender shook his head in defeat wiping down the counter. The man across from him slammed his fist down drawing attention from several people, including yourself. 

“I won’t accept it, the resistance will never bend a knee to the First Order, no matter the cost. We are the spark that will light the fire that will burn the First Order down.” He said it with such confidence, you turned to fully look at him. His hair fell in short dark curls, broad shoulders hunched over the bar as if all of the energy he had was being used to hold himself up. If his speech wasn’t enough to tell you he came from the resistance, then the insignia on his jacket definitely would. 

You thought about the best way to approach him. Ask for help? Ask for the resistance base location?  _ Tell him something he wants to hear. _

You had to admit, that wasn’t the worst idea. You finished the last few sips of your drink just as the man shook hands with the bartender wishing him luck on the days ahead. You followed him out of the cantina.

“Hey! I need to talk to you.” The man paused, turning to throw you a cocky smirk. 

“Sorry, you’re not my type.” 

“I’m not- I just escaped the First Order and I’ll give you information if you take me to the Resistance.” That seemed to sober him up, the smile fell from his lips as he looked you over. 

“Do you have any weapons?” You saw his hand move to his side, the first flicker of fear hitting you; maybe he'd just kill you like you'd thought. 

“A scalpel or two in my bag...I’m a doctor...was a doctor for them, my name is y/-”

“Y/N. Half the galaxy is looking for you on Kylo Ren’s orders. He’s got out troops everywhere. What did you do?” You were surprised, you figured he’d look for you but not by using the entire First Order army to do it for him.  _ I’d do anything for you.  _ You shook your head, you didn’t need this right now.

“I was Ren’s personal doctor. I came to know him fairly well, I accompanied him on missions..and I’ll tell you everything I know if you help me.” The man held out his hand.

“I’m Poe Dameron of the Resistance, you’ve got a deal.”


	25. Ren's side of the story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First let me clear up some time line stuff  
> 1\. Han is dead already, Kylo does kill him but it isn't mentioned  
> 2\. the starkiller base hasn't blown up yet  
> 3\. just imagine more time between events in TFA

Kylo felt a sense of accomplishment as he watched his weapon rip through the Hosnian system, a swift end to the republic that he’d been waiting for as long as he could remember. The men around him cheered, something unfamiliar for officers but he agreed it was a big win for the first order. The work that they’d done up to this point was a mere speck in the victory they’d just witnessed. 

His first thought was of you, to go celebrate this moment with you. Unfortunately, Hux would probably pester him for another few hours before he could fly down to Star killer base. Instead, he left the room of officers as they chatted happily, congratulating each other. He walked the bridge down towards empty corridors, even at a moment like this he seemed to favor solitude. He stayed there for a while longer, his helmet off, staring through a large window at the debris floating past. It was in the lonesome moments that he often found a reason to doubt himself. Yes, the weapon had been a success and the galaxy would now see the first order as an entity to follow but at what cost? Kylo had argued that a show of force would instill more fear than anything, that killing even more people would turn people away from the first order than towards it but the supreme leader would not hear these arguments. 

So he’d kept his mouth shut and let Hux continue with his plans without complaint. But now it was said and done and he’d felt the force drain out of each and every person in the Hosnian system and he couldn’t find it in himself to celebrate this. Sure, he’d killed before, he was not averse to it but winning a fight and not giving someone a chance at all were two different things. Kylo would like to think he’s a man of honor, that you shouldn’t stab a man in the back. He slumped down onto the cold floor, running a hand through his tangled hair. He wondered what you’d say when he told you what he’d done. He knew you weren’t like him, you were good. You cared for others even when they didn’t deserve it. You were the sort of person who would rather take a shot for someone else than shoot their would-be-killer. If kylo was all hard lines, you’d be the soft edges. 

Kylo slid his helmet back on heading back towards the bridge to find someone to take him to starkiller otherwise he’d pilot a tie himself. 

“Nice of you to join us, Ren.” Hux’s drawl reached his ears, he didn’t reply, only staring in the direction of the general until the man looked away awkwardly.

“Am I needed here?”

“That’s debatable.” Hux joked, Ren clenched his fists growing more and more irritated. Hux motioned him away with a hand, dismissing Kylo before he ran a lightsaber through an officer in retaliation. Kylo turned quickly walking to the hangar bay, his eyes searching for any open ship. He hopped into the closest one, taking off without a glance back. He felt like he could finally breathe. 

He didn’t want to sprint in the hallways because it would look strange but he definitely walked faster once he was back on base making his way towards his private quarters. He opened the door hoping to find you there but the room came up empty if the lack of force signature was anything to go by. He walked directly back out towards the staff quarters, avoiding curious stares in the hallway. He stopped in front of your door, reaching out into the force but again coming up empty. Once the corridor was empty, he forced his way inside. The room was bare, more bare than it usually was, the floor in a state of disarray. Kylo felt, confused. The closet doors were swung open, half the remaining clothes hung at awkward angles, others had fallen to the floor. 

An internal alarm seemed to go off in Kylo’s head, the first hint of panic reaching him. He slid onto the bed, closing his eyes and reaching out. So many voices on base and yours was among none of them. Your thoughts which usually filled his mind no matter how far he got across the base remained silent the longer he searched. He felt dizzy, like his limbs weren’t his own, they moved without him telling them too. He found himself in front of a set of doors, all the warmth leaving his body as his legs continued to move forward through the entry way even when his mind screamed for him to go the other way. He understood what this was but his conscious stayed in the moment between realizing you were gone and knowing you had run, he paid no mind to what he was sure would be a punishment. His legs burned as they bent without his permission forcing him into a kneel. 

“She’s left you.” The grated voice spoke with certainty. “You were foolish to think you could hide this, to think she could save you. You’ve strayed from your path young Solo.” Kylo was fairly sure even if he tried to argue, Snoke wouldn’t let him. “Your forces will find the girl she is to be brought before me for execution as a traitor to the First Order. You will return to your training and give no more thought to this. Turn this pain into power, you will not betray me again.” Kylo felt numb, he nodded at his master with hesitation watching the hologram of the disfigured man crackle and disappear. 

He remained in the same position on the floor staring blankly into the darkness that surrounded him. The room felt as hollow as he did in that moment trying to process this turn of events. She was gone, he already knew that but Snoke’s confirmation only added insult to injury. He didn’t need to ask himself why you’d run, the answer was there in front of him, or rather within him.

Kylo crumpled, falling from his knees to the floor fully in a moment of pure, unfiltered despair. He threw the helmet from his head hearing it clatter and break somewhere behind him. A single guttural sob ripped through his throat echoing through the empty room. He didn’t care who heard, in this moment he didn’t care for anything at all except the fact that he’d driven you away. He was a monster, a killer, something less than human, you’d have to be to kill your own father. 

He’d wonder for weeks after if you ran because you thought he’d hurt you, he cringed at the memory of squeezing your wrist in the training room, he’d nearly snapped the bone before he even realized what he’d done. He couldn’t blame you, as much as he wanted too, he could only blame himself. And he did, every day.


	26. Trying to resist the resistance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (lets pretend i didnt go on a six month hiatus)
> 
> Side note that doesn't have anything to do with star wars: I saw Dear Evan Hansen last week and it literally changed my life ??

You were nervous, more than nervous. Poe piloted the ship, leaving you to sit behind him awkwardly, wondering where you were going. He made it clear he wouldn’t tell you exactly where you were headed, it’s not like he had a reason to trust you yet. He watched you out of the corner of his eye, assessing you, trying to decide if you were lying, but you didn’t seem the type. Not only that but your composure told him you were running from something which meant you had all the more reason to stay away from The First Order. He decided he was curious about you, not trusting just yet, but he had a feeling you would be a good asset to their mission. 

The trip was exhaustingly long, both of you not saying much of anything. Several times you heard him speaking to someone over the radio, you weren’t able to catch much of the conversations but the laughing told you they must be friends of some sort. This first glimpse of the resistance gave you an odd feeling. You felt safe, nearly comfortable with this stranger. It was so unlike the first order where trust was inconceivable and making friends was frowned down upon.

“So why did you join the First Order?” The question caught you off guard, you thought about it for a moment.

“I was practically still a kid fresh out of medical school, they were recruiting near the academy...I guess I just thought I could save people, that I could put my skills to use..” You trailed off, Poe nodded along.

“And how did that work out for you?” 

“For every person I save, I’m sure they kill a hundred more...I chose the wrong side and...th-the wrong person.” He waited for you to elaborate but it seemed you were done with sharing for the day.

“My parents fought in the rebellion, i’ve lived in this war my whole life. There are good times and there are bad but everyone that fights for this cause is family...for your sake I hope you’re not trying to hurt them.” 

“I’ve hurt enough people today..my intentions aren’t bad, at least I don’t think.” You didn’t speak for the rest of the trip getting lost in your own head. The further you got from the First Order, from him, the more guilt seemed to set in. Just a few days earlier you’d been in his arms memorizing the way he said he loved you, hoping to never forget it, now the words just made your heart ache and you weren’t even sure he deserved to be someone you could mourn. You fingers wrapped around the small kyber crystal hanging loosely from your neck, you probably should have taken it off, thrown it out but you couldn’t bring yourself to part with it. 

You wiped stray tears from your eyes, not even noticing they had fallen before looking towards your pilot, “Will you kill me?” He spun around to stare at you with wide eyes.

“What?”

“I mean, if I’m not useful, will the resistance kill me?”

“No, we don’t. We don’t do that.” You looked down to your lap, picking dirt from your nails nervously. “Can I ask why you ran?” You thought it over, meeting Poe’s eyes once more.

“I loved someone. I guess I thought maybe I could change them, get him to see what the First Order was but he was just like the rest of them...I was so focused on trying to save him that I didn’t realize that I was becoming one of them, hurting people. I couldn’t do it anymore, I knew he wouldn’t come with me so I ran.” Poe nodded, turning back to the front letting silence engulf the space. You dozed off after a while leaning your head back against the metallic wall.

An arm on your shoulder shook you awake, “We’re here.” he murmured before leading you off the ship. “The general will want to speak to you.” He led you through the hangar bay and down several hallways while you regarded your surroundings. The base itself looked fairly old, areas rusting and cracked from years of disrepair. You passed few people on your way, all of them giving you curious stares while greeting Poe with bright smiles. Eventually he led you to a bare room, a long table with chairs surrounding it sat empty. “Wait here.” Poe turned and left closing the door behind him. You made your way to a seat, plopping down and taking a deep breath. Moments later, the same door opened revealing an older woman. On first inspection, she gave off an aura of power and grace but below that, you could see a warmth in her eyes. Eyes that looked so familiar that you forced yourself to stare past her instead. 

“General Organa, this is the defector that Ren’s troops have been looking for, Y/N L/N.” She nodded dismissing him. 

“I’ve heard a lot about you Miss L/N, tell me, how is it that you know Kylo Ren?” 

“I was his medic, I accompanied him on missions..he helped train me in combat.” You weren’t sure exactly how much to tell her, at least until you knew her motives. 

“And he trusted you?” Her tone wasn’t accusatory, more surprised than anything else. 

“I think he did.” You nearly whispered, your voice betraying you. Leia gave you a look, nodding at the answer choosing not to question you further. 

Leia wasn’t an idiot, she could sense the pain lingering just beneath the surface as she stared at the girl’s eyes. It was a pain she was all too familiar with. Her eyes zeroed in on the crystal hanging from your neck. Kyber crystals were not only unbelievably expensive nowadays, they were nearly impossible to find unless you were a strong force user. She could sense that you were not one and the salary of combat medic certainly wouldn’t cover the cost of that. 

Her intuition told her to press further, “That’s an interesting piece of jewelry, Kyber is hard to come by these days.” Your hand flew to your neck finally noticing that the necklace has somehow slipped out from its hiding spot under your layers of clothing. The general was scrutinizing you, the hard look in her eyes reminded you so much of the one person you were trying hardest to forget, you forced yourself to look away from her. 

“It was a gift.”

“From Ben?” Leia hadn’t originally meant to be so direct about her suspicions but she couldn’t help it, she was a mother who desperately missed her boy and if this girl was the only hope of possibly getting him back from the dark, she’d jump at the chance. 

You moved away from the older woman as if she’d burned you, staring between her and the door as if you’d try to run at any moment. 

“I don’t know who you’re talking about.” You’d closed yourself off from her on impulse, wanting to rid your mind of the memories she’d managed to bring back within two words. Leia sensed the change in atmosphere, but she was so close now, she wouldn’t let this moment slip by. 

“Please.” She paused, “I’m asking as a mother, I just want to know if my son is okay. If he’s still my son.” When you looked back at her, you wondered how you could have possibly missed it. You could see Kylo...Ben, in her. In her dark, full eyes, in her high set cheekbones, the way she wrinkled her brows. 

You forced yourself to stay composed, “He..he helped kill all those people. He could have given the order himself, I don’t know.” Speaking the words out loud felt somehow therapeutic.

“There have been some developments, since you left. Starkiller base has been destroyed. We haven’t gotten words on all the casualties but,” the general paused, taking a long breath, “We have reports that Kylo may not have made it.” 

Internally, you crumbled, an involuntary gasp leaving your mouth. Standing from the chair abruptly, you swung the door open ready to take off towards the hangar bay but a hand caught your upper arm, you stared at the general, tears beginning to pool in your eyes, “I need to go.”

‘To him’ your consciousness seemed to scream.

“There’s nothing you can do, you’re safe here. Stay..We can wait for news...together.” She released your arm allowing you to make the choice for yourself. Stay or run. 

Stay or run...a common theme for you these days it seemed. You wiped stray tears on your sleeve and took your seat at the table once more.

“Okay.” 

Light-years away, a droid slowly stitched Kylo’s skin together, somehow the feeling of needles pulling at his skin still stung less than returning to an empty bed.


End file.
